Why?

Why did my temperature have to dive today? Why can't I just freakin' ovulate? If I can't ovulate, why can't I just get my period and get this cycle over with? Why am I on the verge of tears as I sit here typing this?

I'm going to work on channeling patience, peace, and a good mood. And I'm going to clean the house with some very loud music, and maybe do some retail therapy this afternoon. ::sigh:: And I'm going to finally call the RE/OBGYN whose office is my first choice to go to. And Ben will be giving his sample for the SA today, so we'll have those results in the next few days.

This is not the road I wanted to go down. Looks like I don't have any choice.

Frustration, Inspiration, and a Fortune Cookie

Frustration has become my constant companion these last few weeks. The week before last I was in a rotten mood. I was supposedly toward the end of my 2 week wait, getting negative HPTs, faint lines on OPKs, and buckets of fertile mucus. Oh, and spotting on top of that. Needless to say, I was not happy. But after indulging in pity parties and wallowing in my bad mood, hope and peace began to work their way back into me.

It began with my husband coming home on my worst day, and handing me a fortune paper from the cookie he had munched on his way up the stairs. He didn't know how rotten and down I had been feeling when he gave me a hug and some hope. The scrap of paper read: "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." I almost lost it and bawled right then and there. Ben just gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. What a blessing he is, and how wonderful it is that he somehow manages to do or say just the right thing without even knowing. Thank you, Lord, for this man.

Then came Sunday, and church, and the choir anthem for the service entitled, "Hymn of Quietness" by Natalie Sleeth. The lyrics are as follows:

In the bulb, there is a flower; In the seed, and apple tree; In cocoons, a hidden promise; butterflies will soon be free! In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be, unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody; There's a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me. From the past will come the future; What it holds, a mystery, unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity. In our doubt, there is believing; in our life, eternity. In our death, a resurrection; at the last a victory, unrevealed until its season; something God alone can see; unrevealed until its season, something yet unknown, which God alone can see.

This song made me cry every time I sang it. With everything that is going on in my life, my stepmom and grandmother's battles with cancer, my husband and I's current infertility, my sister and SIL's pregnancies, life in general...well, this song really hits home. Hard. It speaks of hope for the future, and trust in God's plan. These are things that I am in definite need of these days, and I have found my reminder in this song. Now I have to find the patience to wait for the dawn in my personal darkness, and to appreciate the little lights of family and friends that glow around me.

Gaining Perspective

I haven't really been in a great mood this past week. Between my body trying to fake me out earlier this cycle, the nonsense with my mom, and then various idiot patients at work...Well, let's just say I haven't been all that Joyfull. I'm working on that, though.

It's hard to stay postitive when it seems like nothing is going the way it "should." After all, my grandmother and stepmother shouldn't be battling cancer, my sister shouldn't have miscarried a few months ago, and my husband and I should have conceived by now! It's very difficult some days to accept that I don't have control much of my life, and what control I do have could very well be fleeting.

While I was at work on Weds. having a mini-meltdown, I found a really great prayer on beliefnet.com. I was reeling from the news that a 41 yr old former cocaine addict with chronic pain issues who is on state assistance is pregnant after 2 months of trying (her boyfriend is a 30 yr old recently paroled felon who is also on state aid), and nearly in tears because I just don't understand the unfairness of infertility. Then I read this prayer:

Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

(Source: Hannah's Prayer Ministries)

This prayer really spoke to me. I have been letting this desire for a child come between me and God. I've been letting it come between me and many things at various times. Which is a long way of saying I've become obsessed. So now I need to step back and seek God's will for my life. I don't believe this means I need to stop being proactive about conceiving (i.e. timing sex, charting my bbt, going forward with fertility testing if needed), but I think I need to stop allowing my mind to revolve around it. I need to stop resenting every young girl pregnant with an accident. I need to stop being downright angry when someone tells me to just relax and I'll get pregnant. And I know that these things will only happen with God, because I surely do not have the strength by myself.

And here is a second prayer that also speaks to me tonight:

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

(Source: Hannah's Prayer Ministries)

Thank you God for prayer, for the perspective you give us, for having us bring all our troubles to you. I give my burdens to you Lord, and pray for the strength to let them lay at your feet.

For you who are reading this post, I pray that God blesses you, that he lifts from you any burdens you may have, and that you never forget that he holds us all in his hands.

Good Night.