10 weeks ( a day early :)

So here we are, 10 weeks pregnant. :) (Well, officially tomorrow, that is. :)

Frankly, I still can't believe this is happening, and I find my self thanking God randomly throughout the day when the reality hits me. :) My husband has taken to talking to the baby here and there, usually when I am feeling awful after eating ("You're not even born yet, and you're already a trouble maker!"), or he'll ask what the baby wants for dinner. :) I'm still obsessively checking the toilet paper for blood, and I get nervous every time I have some random cramp or twinge south of the belly button. I know things are stretching out down there, and cramps and twinges are normal, but that awful specter of miscarriage still looms over me. :( But, as I keep telling my mother hens, I mean my parents, there isn't much I can do other than pray for the baby's continued health and enjoy every moment I have him or her within my womb. :)

So, on to the survey:

How far along? 9w6d (tenth week). Officially 10 weeks tomorrow (beginning of 11th week).
Total weight gain/loss: still hovering a pound down from my bfp weight, but I find I can fluctuate up to 5 lbs depending on time of day and status of my intestine (i.e. empty, full, etc- sorry;)
Maternity clothes? Yup, and I am in need of bra shopping because of the monster boobs. The sad thing is that righty is almost a cup size bigger than lefty, so one boob is getting way to big for my DD-DDD (depending on the bra), and the other is finally filling the cup all of the way. Gah!
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: I'm up about every two hours to pee, and I've started having crazy and intense dreams along with random insomnia. And the fatigue hasn't really let up, either. :(
Best moment this week:Realizing that reaching the 10 week mark means I am done with 1/4 of gestating. :D
Food Cravings/Aversions: Food and I are beginning to be friends again, although I still have to be careful what and how much I eat. I'm still getting sick after eating, but not as bad or as often.
Gender: no idea. My stepmom is determined we're having a girl, and my MIL says boy. I have a feeling that we had boy and girl twins, and I think we lost the boy. However, my xray vision isn't working right now, so I could be wrong. ;)
Signs/Symptoms: Nausea, constipation, bloating, dizziness, cramping, fatigue
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Thinking about "the babies"
What I am looking forward to:Tomorrow is my first OB appt!!!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every moment you have, you never know when things are going to change (and they will, for good or for bad, change is inevitable).
Milestones: RE released me to the OB! Got to see the baby last Tuesday looking great, right on track, and bouncing around (thanks to my chai latte :).

So that is it for now. I have been taking pictures, but honestly, other than my boobs getting bigger I just look very obese (which I am). Maybe in a few weeks I'll post a set for progression purposes. But be warned, the camera is not nice to me. ;)

8 weeks, 2 days (or, the 9th week)

So, I have a lot to update on before I get to the weekly survey. Firstly, the good news: We had our first u/s last Tuesday (5/4) and found out our babe was growing perfectly in there at 9mm with a heartbeat of 146. Perfect. :)

Sadly, we also found out that I was right, and we did have twins. Twin B was visible, but much smaller and with no heartbeat.

As sad as I am over the loss of yet another baby, I am glad that Twin A is doing so well, and I am thankful that s/he now has two angels to watch over him/her. It is indeed a bittersweet thing, especially after May 1st, the edd on the same gestation and day of the week as our first lost. And something even stranger, or more awesome (in the sense of awe-filling), is that in addition to unconsciously referring to "them" and "the babies," I had a dream that Saturday night that I had written off as nerves. I dreamt that we were having the u/s and that I saw a heartbeat and another empty sac. Strange, yes? Well, looking back at it, and at my calm acceptance while on the u/s table, I have to wonder if God wasn't preparing me for the news in his own way. Which only adds to the bittersweetness of the day. :)The worst news of the day wasn't about our angels or our baby, but about my step-mom, who is really much more of a mother to me than anything else. She has been battling Stage IV ovarian cancer for just over a year now, and on May 4th, she found out that her cancer has indeed spread to other places (metastasized to her breast, just outside her liver, her lymph nodes, and possibly her bladder) and she really doesn't have a lot of time left, at least according to her oncologist. He gave her 6 weeks to 6 months, and basically wrote her off with a recommendation to Hospice. Apparently, the only treatment left to her would likely make her sick as a dog, and also probably shorten her time here on earth.
She has chosen to not seek any more treatment and enjoy the time she has left, and as you can imagine, we are all devastated but supportive of her choice. She is determined to be here when the baby comes in December and with her stubbornness, and God's grace and mercy, it will happen. She is also determined that this baby is a girl, but we'll see about that when the next big u/s rolls around. ;)
So, between my step-mom and my grandmother (whose ovarian cancer has come back out of remission), I'm set to lose two of the most important women in my life sooner rather than later, and this child will be deprived of their wisdom and love here on earth. But I also know that there are two beautiful angels waiting to greet them on the other side, and lead them before the throne of God, and that is indeed a wonderful thing.


So, onwards to the survey:
Hard to believe it, but our little girl or guy in there is only the size of a raspberry right now. :) Pretty cool. :)

How far along? 8w2d (in the ninth week)
Total weight gain/loss: down another pound, thank you nausea :(
Maternity clothes? The bloat continues, and the boobs are getting bigger, so it is still my JCP jeans and some shirts. :)
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: Yup. I'm up 3-4 times a night to pee, but I end up falling asleep on the couch before bedtime anyways. :)
Best moment this week: Reaching 8 weeks! Over halfway done with the 1st Trimester!!!!
Food Cravings/Aversions: Soft Serve ice cream. :) And while some foods make me ill just thinking of them, I find I'm usually ill after eating rather than having straight up aversions. This is making for some very unpleasant moments after meals. :(
Gender: no idea. But I do keep referring to the baby as "them." I don't know if that is wishful thinking, or if my subconscious knows something I don't yet. ;)
Signs/Symptoms: Nausea, constipation, bloating, dizziness, cramping, fatigue
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Thinking about "the babies"
What I am looking forward to: next week Tuesday and our final u/s with the RE (provided all goes well).
Weekly Wisdom: Don't get constipated if you can help it. :( Not a fun thing, at all. ;)
Milestones: Saw the heartbeat via u/s! Almost in the 3rd month!

That's it for now, and hopefully I'll remember to post at 9 weeks, maybe even with a bloat picture. ;) While my measurements haven't changed by more than an inch or two, I am definitely seeing some changes. ;)

In Memory

Today is May 1st, 2010. Today is the day we were supposed to meet our first child. Instead, today my husband and I planted this snowball bush in honor and memory of our angel.

It is a cute little bush, with flowers whose petals are just starting to turn white, and it will draw plenty of bees and butterflies to its tiny blossoms. It sits in the front flower bed, where people passing by can see it, and it will say goodbye and hello to us whenever we leave and return to the house.

I have been trying to decide for months on what sort of bush to plant. What color flowers would best represent our angel. What sort of plant would warm my heart with the same joy that our angel did and does. That is a tall order for a lowly plant, and so I continued to debate over what to buy. Even at the greenhouse today, I couldn't decide. I drug my long-suffering husband up and down rows of plants, admiring or disliking, debating the merits of full sun versus partial, and potential height. For some reason I kept coming back to this snowball bush.

My grandmother (my dad's mom) had a snowball bush in her yard, a massive thing that sat near the giant oak tree that my cousins and I would play in. She loved that bush, and I loved all the time that I spent at her house. So snowball bushes remind me of my grandmother, and of her love and her caring heart. And when I think of our angel, I get this sense of a daughter, even though it was far too early to know. And I see this daughter in the arms of my grandmother, my grandmother whose girl child was lost before she was born, my grandmother who loved me like I had come from her own womb. I see this image in my head, and despite the tears, I am at peace. And filled with joy at the sight of our new snowball bush and all that it stands for.

So today is the 1st of May, 2010. Precisely 7 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days ago our angel left us for heaven. I was 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Today, as I mourn what was supposed to be, as I thank God for the short time we had with our angel, I know that I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our second miracle. As I sit here writing this, and crying, I know that I am now several hours farther along with this pregnancy than I was before. I sit here and I give thanks for what was and what is, and I pray with a scared and yet joyful heart for what I hope will be.

If I believed in coincidences, I would wonder about this timing. But I don't. I know that this is God's perfect plan working itself out, and I thank Him for the wonder of it. I thank Him for the pain and the tears, for the joy and the laughter. I thank Him for the awesomeness of His miracles, and that I have been blessed with so many of them, big and small. I thank Him for my husband and his second chance at life, I thank Him for our angel whom we'll meet on the other side of eternity, and I thank Him for this newest life growing within me. Lord, I pray that you will continue to bless us, and if it is your will, that this child will stay with us. I know you keep your promises, and it is that to which I cling.

Psalm 30 has so much to say about God's mercy when we are at our lowest. My favorite line is the second half of verse 5:

...Weeping may remain for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. (NIV)

Thank you for reading, and may God bless you all and keep you in the palm of His hand.