Unaswered Questions.

Why does this have to be so hard? Why did my body decide to stop miscarrying halfway through the process, thus prolonging this agony? Why me? Why us? How am I supposed to return to normal when I just want to lay in bed and sleep or cry? Why is it that some days I'm fine and others I'm a wreck? Why is it that complete peace is eluding me? Why do I torment myself thinking about how far along I'd be right now, and how big our little angel would have been? Why does every cramp and every drop of blood remind me of how happy we were just a month ago?

I have all these questions, and no real, concrete answer to them. I guess I'm just going through a rough spot, maybe it's the fact that 2.5 weeks after the fact I am still miscarrying. Maybe it's having to help plan my sister's baby shower, or anticipating the arrival of my sister-in-law's second child. Maybe it's the feeling the pregnant women are just following me around. Whatever it is, I don't know if I can take it much longer. Something will have to give, and soon. I'm hoping and praying that what I'll lose is this funk, this depression I seem to be in. I really want to return to my usual self, my happy with life, thankful for my blessings self who enjoys living.

Right now I just want to weep.

God, please, I need your strength right now, I just can't do this by myself. I know you're with me, and I am so thankful for that. Please, lend me your peace and help me heal. Amen.

Our little angel has left us.

Yes, it is true.

We lost our little one at 6weeks, 5days, and after seeing that precious little heartbeat flickering away only 3 days before. It is bittersweet to see that ultrasound picture and know that that little life is no longer inside me. Yet I take comfort in knowing that our little angel is with God, at peace and perfect in heaven. It doesn't make the pain any easier right now, or make my weeping cease, but I trust in God and believe that this too shall pass.

I know the statistics on miscarriage, and know intimately within my family how easy it is to lose a pregnancy, but we prayed it wouldn't happen to us. I strongly believe that in a perfect world, the world the way God intended it, each life he created would be perfect and wonderful. Unfortunately, we live in a broken and imperfect world, and thus, something must have gone wrong with our little one, something that took him or her from my womb and to God.

This weekend has been rough on my husband and I, and rough on our family. But as with everything, there is hope during the storm. Ben and I have weathered so much in our few years together, and we know that we can overcome this, too. So, we grieve the loss of our little one, and then we pick ourselves up and move on, solid in our love and faith.

A song kept coming into my head while I prayed this weekend, a song that is a petition to God and a reaffirmation of faith at the same time. I couldn't always find the words I needed to say, and these words spoke my heartache for me:

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

Back from the 1st ultrasoud

We have good news! We had the 1st ultrasound done today and got to see the heartbeat flickering away on the screen. It was so cool, it looked like a little strobe light in my uterus. And there was only one heartbeat, which made my husband very happy.

The only potential downside is that the RE was a little concerned over some fluid he wasn't expecting to see in my uterus. He speculates that it is from an ovarian cyst that ruptured, but there is a slim (1:36000) chance that it is from an ectopic pregnancy in addition to the little one in the correct spot. So, back to the RE for another session with the dildo cam on Tues 9/22. I'm not going to complain for several reasons.

1. We get to see that beautiful heartbeat going again, maybe even hear it this time.
2. I'd rather play it safe and make sure the fluid is from a cyst and not an ectopic.
3. I forgot to ask for a referral to an OB! Note to self: don't forget next time! ;)

So, I'll try to do more updates, but I can't promise that it'll happen. The nausea has let up, if I eat correctly and not too much, but fatigue is simply kicking my butt. And if I don't drink enough water I get a bad case of the dizzies (found that out the hard way last saturday). And now I have the pleasure of getting up to pee every 2 hours overnight, and having such terrible gas that I woke myself up last night while ripping one. My husband said he did wake up, but can't remember if it was me that woke him. Probably for the best as he would have fallen out of bed from laughing. ;)

And now I'm off to bed shortly as I am whupped and Ben wants the computer back. ;)