Riding a Rollercoaster called Life...

There is so much that has been going on in my life the past two months, lots of extreme emotional ups and downs, and frankly I'm just not quite ready to lay it all out here yet.

The basic good news is that we are 24weeks 5days along right now, and the baby is doing well. We've had some small worries with her, but everything has been resolved, and she is growing on track and kicking the heck out of me on a regular basis. (Oh, and she is a she! :)

I promise I'll post with some details soon, hopefully over this holiday weekend. I just have to find the right words and take the time to get it right.

In the meantime, here is a terrible work bathroom belly pic from 22w4d. No ultrasound pictures uploaded to the computer just yet. :( Sorry!

Was I supposed to be blogging?

Oh, yeah, this thing. ;) In all seriousness, things have been a bit on the insane side, and I find I have no desire to turn on the computer when I get home at night. All I do is sleep, and I could swear someone promised me this fatigue would let up in the 2nd Trimester. :D

So here we are at 16 weeks (well, officially tomorrow, but it's close enough. ;)
Hard to believe that we're already this far, but this is getting more and more real to me. :)
So, for the standard list of q&a:

How far along? 15w6d (at the end of week 16). 16w0d tomorrow!
Total weight gain/loss: Weight is still fluctuating, but my weekly a.m. weigh in has me still down a pound or two from my pre-bfp weight.
Maternity clothes? Yup. And now that my belly is getting firmer (which is completely weird because my belly has always been squishy) I can't fit into any regular pants that fit me pre-bfp. In the summer I wear stretchy skirts almost religiously, so those are still fitting me. :)
Sleep: Daytime fatigue and nighttime insomnia are a great combination! Well worth it for the end result, but rather sucky in the meantime. And the heat and humidity where I am doesn't help as I am far too well insulated to be comfortable with 80-90 degree weather.
Best moment this week:Being able to find our little stinker's heartbeat quickly, and listening to it gallop away (average is 150 bpm). And my husband's smile the first time he recognized the heartbeat sound. :D
Food Cravings/Aversions: Food and I are beginning to be friends again, although I still have to be careful what and how much I eat. I'm still getting sick after eating, but not as bad or as often. And heartburn has become my frequent companion, along with pain in my epigastric area, below my right rib, and below my right shoulder blade. I am hoping this is only heartburn and not related to my gallbladder, and so I'm paying more attention to when I get this pain. :(
Gender: no idea, and my intuition is on the fritz.
Signs/Symptoms: Nausea, constipation, bloating, dizziness, cramping, fatigue
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: fitting into restaurant booths with space to spare.
What I am looking forward to:July 21st is our anatomy scan, and I'm praying for a perfectly healthy baby. (and believe it or not, I really have no preference for a boy or girl)
Weekly Wisdom: Make lists, write down important dates, and keep this info handy because you're probably going to forget many things (or everything in my case). My husband told me we have only room for one forgetful person, and as the brain injured one he has dibs. We're in trouble... :D
Milestones: 2nd OB appt, big u/s scheduled, over a 1/3 of the way to the finish line!

Well, that's about it on this front, but I do have some pictures to share with you. :)

Firstly, Happy 4th of July!!! If there are any servicemen or servicewomen (or families of) reading this, thank you so very much for your sacrifice and service. :)

Here is my favorite picture from the fireworks last night. If you look really closely, the inside of the explosion resembles a butterfly. :D

And here is a picture of the grand finale (at least a portion of it). I took about 200 pictures last night, and had only about 25 % turn out, with maybe a handful of really good ones. But the ones that did turn out are pretty awesome. :)
And as promised, a belly pic from today (the black and white dress). Please note that I have admitted to being rather fluffy before being pregnant, so much of the belly you see is not baby but my squishy belly that is being pushed out and up.


The dress actually hides a lot with its pattern (was a little more spiffy for church today as I was soloing). Just for comparison I have included an earlier pic, the bad one with the purple top is from 5/9, and I would have been almost 8 weeks.










You may not see a real difference, but I can tell that my belly is moving up and out. And the part under my ribs is getting quite firm! It is kinda weird and kinda cool all at the same time. ;)
Here is what I see when I peer over the monster cousins:
So, that is it for today! I can't promised that I'll be more faithful in my blogging, but I'll try. ;) I also have to finally come out to the rest of our extended family and friends, and believe me, I feel equal parts idiotic and embarrassed for waiting this long. ;)

ETA: Please excuse the crappy formatting going on here, blogger and I do not agree tonight. :(

10 weeks ( a day early :)

So here we are, 10 weeks pregnant. :) (Well, officially tomorrow, that is. :)

Frankly, I still can't believe this is happening, and I find my self thanking God randomly throughout the day when the reality hits me. :) My husband has taken to talking to the baby here and there, usually when I am feeling awful after eating ("You're not even born yet, and you're already a trouble maker!"), or he'll ask what the baby wants for dinner. :) I'm still obsessively checking the toilet paper for blood, and I get nervous every time I have some random cramp or twinge south of the belly button. I know things are stretching out down there, and cramps and twinges are normal, but that awful specter of miscarriage still looms over me. :( But, as I keep telling my mother hens, I mean my parents, there isn't much I can do other than pray for the baby's continued health and enjoy every moment I have him or her within my womb. :)

So, on to the survey:

How far along? 9w6d (tenth week). Officially 10 weeks tomorrow (beginning of 11th week).
Total weight gain/loss: still hovering a pound down from my bfp weight, but I find I can fluctuate up to 5 lbs depending on time of day and status of my intestine (i.e. empty, full, etc- sorry;)
Maternity clothes? Yup, and I am in need of bra shopping because of the monster boobs. The sad thing is that righty is almost a cup size bigger than lefty, so one boob is getting way to big for my DD-DDD (depending on the bra), and the other is finally filling the cup all of the way. Gah!
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: I'm up about every two hours to pee, and I've started having crazy and intense dreams along with random insomnia. And the fatigue hasn't really let up, either. :(
Best moment this week:Realizing that reaching the 10 week mark means I am done with 1/4 of gestating. :D
Food Cravings/Aversions: Food and I are beginning to be friends again, although I still have to be careful what and how much I eat. I'm still getting sick after eating, but not as bad or as often.
Gender: no idea. My stepmom is determined we're having a girl, and my MIL says boy. I have a feeling that we had boy and girl twins, and I think we lost the boy. However, my xray vision isn't working right now, so I could be wrong. ;)
Signs/Symptoms: Nausea, constipation, bloating, dizziness, cramping, fatigue
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Thinking about "the babies"
What I am looking forward to:Tomorrow is my first OB appt!!!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every moment you have, you never know when things are going to change (and they will, for good or for bad, change is inevitable).
Milestones: RE released me to the OB! Got to see the baby last Tuesday looking great, right on track, and bouncing around (thanks to my chai latte :).

So that is it for now. I have been taking pictures, but honestly, other than my boobs getting bigger I just look very obese (which I am). Maybe in a few weeks I'll post a set for progression purposes. But be warned, the camera is not nice to me. ;)

8 weeks, 2 days (or, the 9th week)

So, I have a lot to update on before I get to the weekly survey. Firstly, the good news: We had our first u/s last Tuesday (5/4) and found out our babe was growing perfectly in there at 9mm with a heartbeat of 146. Perfect. :)

Sadly, we also found out that I was right, and we did have twins. Twin B was visible, but much smaller and with no heartbeat.

As sad as I am over the loss of yet another baby, I am glad that Twin A is doing so well, and I am thankful that s/he now has two angels to watch over him/her. It is indeed a bittersweet thing, especially after May 1st, the edd on the same gestation and day of the week as our first lost. And something even stranger, or more awesome (in the sense of awe-filling), is that in addition to unconsciously referring to "them" and "the babies," I had a dream that Saturday night that I had written off as nerves. I dreamt that we were having the u/s and that I saw a heartbeat and another empty sac. Strange, yes? Well, looking back at it, and at my calm acceptance while on the u/s table, I have to wonder if God wasn't preparing me for the news in his own way. Which only adds to the bittersweetness of the day. :)The worst news of the day wasn't about our angels or our baby, but about my step-mom, who is really much more of a mother to me than anything else. She has been battling Stage IV ovarian cancer for just over a year now, and on May 4th, she found out that her cancer has indeed spread to other places (metastasized to her breast, just outside her liver, her lymph nodes, and possibly her bladder) and she really doesn't have a lot of time left, at least according to her oncologist. He gave her 6 weeks to 6 months, and basically wrote her off with a recommendation to Hospice. Apparently, the only treatment left to her would likely make her sick as a dog, and also probably shorten her time here on earth.
She has chosen to not seek any more treatment and enjoy the time she has left, and as you can imagine, we are all devastated but supportive of her choice. She is determined to be here when the baby comes in December and with her stubbornness, and God's grace and mercy, it will happen. She is also determined that this baby is a girl, but we'll see about that when the next big u/s rolls around. ;)
So, between my step-mom and my grandmother (whose ovarian cancer has come back out of remission), I'm set to lose two of the most important women in my life sooner rather than later, and this child will be deprived of their wisdom and love here on earth. But I also know that there are two beautiful angels waiting to greet them on the other side, and lead them before the throne of God, and that is indeed a wonderful thing.


So, onwards to the survey:
Hard to believe it, but our little girl or guy in there is only the size of a raspberry right now. :) Pretty cool. :)

How far along? 8w2d (in the ninth week)
Total weight gain/loss: down another pound, thank you nausea :(
Maternity clothes? The bloat continues, and the boobs are getting bigger, so it is still my JCP jeans and some shirts. :)
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: Yup. I'm up 3-4 times a night to pee, but I end up falling asleep on the couch before bedtime anyways. :)
Best moment this week: Reaching 8 weeks! Over halfway done with the 1st Trimester!!!!
Food Cravings/Aversions: Soft Serve ice cream. :) And while some foods make me ill just thinking of them, I find I'm usually ill after eating rather than having straight up aversions. This is making for some very unpleasant moments after meals. :(
Gender: no idea. But I do keep referring to the baby as "them." I don't know if that is wishful thinking, or if my subconscious knows something I don't yet. ;)
Signs/Symptoms: Nausea, constipation, bloating, dizziness, cramping, fatigue
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Thinking about "the babies"
What I am looking forward to: next week Tuesday and our final u/s with the RE (provided all goes well).
Weekly Wisdom: Don't get constipated if you can help it. :( Not a fun thing, at all. ;)
Milestones: Saw the heartbeat via u/s! Almost in the 3rd month!

That's it for now, and hopefully I'll remember to post at 9 weeks, maybe even with a bloat picture. ;) While my measurements haven't changed by more than an inch or two, I am definitely seeing some changes. ;)

In Memory

Today is May 1st, 2010. Today is the day we were supposed to meet our first child. Instead, today my husband and I planted this snowball bush in honor and memory of our angel.

It is a cute little bush, with flowers whose petals are just starting to turn white, and it will draw plenty of bees and butterflies to its tiny blossoms. It sits in the front flower bed, where people passing by can see it, and it will say goodbye and hello to us whenever we leave and return to the house.

I have been trying to decide for months on what sort of bush to plant. What color flowers would best represent our angel. What sort of plant would warm my heart with the same joy that our angel did and does. That is a tall order for a lowly plant, and so I continued to debate over what to buy. Even at the greenhouse today, I couldn't decide. I drug my long-suffering husband up and down rows of plants, admiring or disliking, debating the merits of full sun versus partial, and potential height. For some reason I kept coming back to this snowball bush.

My grandmother (my dad's mom) had a snowball bush in her yard, a massive thing that sat near the giant oak tree that my cousins and I would play in. She loved that bush, and I loved all the time that I spent at her house. So snowball bushes remind me of my grandmother, and of her love and her caring heart. And when I think of our angel, I get this sense of a daughter, even though it was far too early to know. And I see this daughter in the arms of my grandmother, my grandmother whose girl child was lost before she was born, my grandmother who loved me like I had come from her own womb. I see this image in my head, and despite the tears, I am at peace. And filled with joy at the sight of our new snowball bush and all that it stands for.

So today is the 1st of May, 2010. Precisely 7 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days ago our angel left us for heaven. I was 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Today, as I mourn what was supposed to be, as I thank God for the short time we had with our angel, I know that I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our second miracle. As I sit here writing this, and crying, I know that I am now several hours farther along with this pregnancy than I was before. I sit here and I give thanks for what was and what is, and I pray with a scared and yet joyful heart for what I hope will be.

If I believed in coincidences, I would wonder about this timing. But I don't. I know that this is God's perfect plan working itself out, and I thank Him for the wonder of it. I thank Him for the pain and the tears, for the joy and the laughter. I thank Him for the awesomeness of His miracles, and that I have been blessed with so many of them, big and small. I thank Him for my husband and his second chance at life, I thank Him for our angel whom we'll meet on the other side of eternity, and I thank Him for this newest life growing within me. Lord, I pray that you will continue to bless us, and if it is your will, that this child will stay with us. I know you keep your promises, and it is that to which I cling.

Psalm 30 has so much to say about God's mercy when we are at our lowest. My favorite line is the second half of verse 5:

...Weeping may remain for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. (NIV)

Thank you for reading, and may God bless you all and keep you in the palm of His hand.

Six weeks today. :)

Well, we're at 6 weeks now. I'm still praying daily that this baby survives, and gets to come home with us.
We have one week and one day before our first ultrasound, and I am equal parts thrilled and scared out of my mind, but I imagine that is par for the course.

From thebump.com: How big is our little potato?


Here is the survey that I had started with our angel (I'm praying that I get to do 30+ weeks of these):

How far along? 6w0days (start of seventh week)
Total weight gain/loss: down several pounds
Maternity clothes? yup, pants and some shirts. Most of my pants are just too uncomfortable, and I am loving my new JCP plus maternity jeans. They don't have the fully belly panel, which I'm not ready for, but stretchy band all around the top with a button close.
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: Yup. I'm up 3-4 times a night to pee, but I end up falling asleep on the couch before bedtime anyways. :)
Best moment this week: I'm looking forward to this coming Sunday as that will be one day longer than we had our angel last year.
Food Cravings: Mashed potatoes, and meatloaf (that didn't turn out so well)
Gender: no idea. But I do keep referring to the baby as "them." I don't know if that is wishful thinking, or if my subconscious knows something I don't yet. ;)
Signs/Symptoms: Nausea, constipation, bloating, dizziness, cramping, fatigue
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Being naive about early pregnancy, and not scared witless that this baby will leave us too.
What I am looking forward to: the next eight months or so. :D
Weekly Wisdom: Stay hydrated! I get some awful dizzy spells when I don't drink enough.
Milestones: Out of the first month already!

Beta #3

481! Awesome!! :D

As for the other bloodwork I had done yesterday, well, some of it is not so awesome. My cbc (complete blood count) was okay, although one type of white blood cell is elevated. I think it is one that resists viral infections, which would explain the cold I'm fighting off. My iron levels and hemoglobin are fine (I've been borderline anemic for a while) so that's great.

But then there is my thyroid. My darn thyroid levels (TSH) are headed back up again! And this is with me taking my meds every morning. Boo, thyroid, boo! My levels were about 3.4 in November, and now they're up to 5.6! Grr. So my Synthroid is upped now, and we'll recheck in 6 weeks. I wouldn't be so worried about it except I'm pretty sure I read a correlation to hypothyroidism and miscarriage, in addition to IF. As if I needed something else to worry about. :(

Other than that I'm doing fine. Continued symptoms and no spotting as of yet (Thank you, God!). The mood swings are pretty bad at times, though. I almost went off on my husband multiple times this evening, but somehow managed to keep from saying what I was thinking. Except when he asked me why I was so tired and sleeping on the couch when he got home. ;) I think my response was something like. "Because I'm pregnant and the baby is kicking my ass right now, that's why." :D

That's all for now, I'm headed to bed my yawning is interfering with my typing. ;)

Beta #2

197! at 14dpo, too. :)

My RE had me make an appt for the 7 wk u/s, which is on May 4th. I tried to get them to do it a week earlier so Ben could be there, but that was a no-go. :( Oh, well. At least by then I'll have my new cell phone, and I'll be able to send him a picture and a text message. :D

At this point, my RE is done having me do bloodwork, but I think I may ask my Primary care Doctor (whose office I'm working at today) if she'll give me a script for one more blood test. Because I am that neurotic and anxious. :D

I've been joined by my old friends nausea and fatigue, my companions from our first pregnancy. And a new visitor, Joy the Raging Bitch. Our cats pushed me over the edge last night (they have collectively decided not to use their litter boxes anymore) and I flew off the handle. And Ben didn't help, he was sitting there quietly fiddling with the new droid phone, probably in self-preservation, but I ended up yelling at him too. And when I say yelling, I mean loud, nearly at the top of my vocally trained voice, complete with multiple foul words that I now regret uttering. Not my usual self, that is for sure. :( Ben gave me a big hug before I went to bed, and I apologized for hollering at him. Hopefully this is not going to be a common occurance! ;)

So, on to week four day 1. :D Please stick, little one!!

What a beautiful word to see

Yup. Pregnant. :D Now hopefully our little miracle will be the stickiest of babies, and stay with us for the long haul. (God, I know you're listening, please let this be your will)

And here is a picture of my cup 'o pee sticks. I know it's kinda gross to keep them hanging around, but I have this obsessive need to look at them again. Yes I know that it's pointless after the initial test, but boy is it great to see those lines. :D


In addition to all the personal prayers that I am lifting up, here are a few more that I've come across and like very much (a few of them are altered to be more personal).

"Loving God, thank you for the gift of life, especially for the life growing within me. Please bless and keep Ben and I and our baby, that we all may grow strong together in Your love as we prepare to welcome this new baby into the world. Amen." (Link)

Father, we thank you for your marvelous gift; you have allowed us to share in your divine parenthood. During this time of waiting, we ask you to protect and nurture these first mysterious stirrings of life. May our child come safely into the light of the world and to the new birth of baptism. Mother of God, we entrust our child to your loving heart. Amen. (Link)

This life you have given us
is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable,
safe in the womb of flesh and hope,
yet subject to danger and death.
O God of love, creator of life,
hear our prayer.
We want this baby so much.
Please grant this child of ours
a full term of nurture,
the joy and mystery of life,
and the blessing of your love.
Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams,
a baby to cherish and protect,
a child to teach and guide,
a blessing to our family.
Amen.
(Link)

Pee stick pictures :D

So, first we have evening of 10dpo (12dptrigger) after holding my pee for two hours and drinking lots of fluids:

This is the next morning at 0430 (11dpo and 13 dptrigger):
This pink dye test was very, very faint, but it is positive :D
This is Friday evening because I just had to see those lines again:

This is from this morning (Saturday) at 12dpo and (14dptrigger):

I will be peeing on the digital in the morning, and probably peeing Monday am too. I will also still be taking my temperature for a while yet. I'll most likely stop peeing on sticks once that second beta comes back, hopefully with good numbers! As for the temping, I don't know how long I'll keep that up. ;)

I'm hoping and praying my anxiety will start to calm down soon, but I know it's going to take a while. So I'll just keep praying and thanking God every time there isn't any blood on the toilet paper. :)

Well, I won't be posting about CD1 for some time.

Because I'm pregnant!!!

I'm still having a hard time believing it, but the pee sticks are pretty good proof, as is the beta of 41 when I had it drawn on Friday (11dpo). I am hoping and praying soooo hard that this is our miraculous sticky baby, and yet I am also preparing for the worst should we end up there again. ::sigh:: I'm praying that our angel is now our little bean's guardian angel, and watching over him or her (or them).

So, the events leading up to this wonderful occasion:

I did 300 units of gonal-f (fsh) in my belly from CD3 to CD12, with multiple visits to the vampires for blood draws. On Thursday 3/25 (CD11) I went in for my u/s, and there were four follies on my left, and one on my right, all of them between 14 and 15 mm. My RE wanted me to trigger on Saturday (which I did) and then wanted to do the IUI on Monday. I told him that wouldn't work because of our work schedules (and it really wouldn't of as I was the only nurse all day monday due to a call-in). So we decided that this cycle would be TI, and we had plenty of sex over the weekend and monday.

Now, I usually ovulate 24 hrs after the trigger, but not this month. In fact, I had such bad cramping on Monday morning that I was worried about OHSS and called my RE. They reassured me and gave me signs/symptoms to watch for, and my cramping was gone by noon. So I definitely ovulated on Monday. I then started my prometrium as per protocol, and the waiting began. Frankly, I didn't even consider success out of this cycle. In fact, at the u/s on 3/24, I had asked about our options after we exhausted our IUI benefits and injectables. The RE said IVF would be the next step, and so I had brought home info on that and had the talk with Ben. I was gearing up to start saving and getting healthy with our eye on a fall 2011 IVF cycle.

So, this past Tuesday, 4/6, I started to feel like I had the stomach flu. I was in the bathroom frequently, and didn't sleep well. I felt nauseated and ill all day Wednesday, in fact I went home from work early, and the nausea continued into Thursday when I almost puked on a patient while taking his blood pressure. (I didn't actually puke, but I started to gag and it was a near thing) I figured I should pee on something to get the BFN so I could take some pepto bismol or something.

So, after dinner I go upstairs to have a talk with myself to make sure I'm ready for the BFN. Once I was prepared (or at least as prepared as possible) for that darn blank space, I pee on the stick and promptly ignore it in favor of a book. A few minutes later I look down and did a double take. I thought I was seeing shadows, but nope, there was definitely a faint blue line there. I stated to shake in disbelief and went downstairs to my hubby, pee stick in hand. I asked him what he saw, and his response was "Well, I see a horizontal line and I see a vertical line. Is that a good thing?" I said, "I think so." He asked if I had peed to early, and I said maybe (referring to my trigger shot), so we decided to not get to excited. ;)

Friday morning arrived and I was wide awake at 0430, taking my temp (it stayed up) and peeing on sticks (yes, plural). Everything looked good, so I called my RE for a lab req to go get a beta drawn. Not at 0430, of course. ;) Beta came back at 41, which is just above the median for 11dpo according to betabase.info. And my RE called this morning to congratulate us (we were both shocked that we had success with TI), tell me to go for the next beta on Monday, and to keep on taking my prometrium. He said my progesterone level was good, but we want to be extra careful.

I am praying for some awesome doubling numbers! I'm going to devote a whole different post to the stick pictures as there are plenty of them by now. ;)

CD1

That is all.

BFN. Again.

I do believe I'm slowly becoming numb to these. I'm not bawling at the computer, yet, but I imagine I'll be sobbing in the shower shortly. I know it's only 12dpo, but I've been feeling like my period is on her way, and add to that some random spotting, well, I can read the writing on the wall. IUI #4 (medicated cycle #5, TTC cycle #13, and TTC month #19) is a big fat FAIL.

I'll test again on Tuesday if my period doesn't arrive in full force, and then I'll be calling my RE. Tuesday am is the only day I can head up to get my meds, so there goes my morning off. Oh well. Onward, right? (To paraphrase one of my favorite ladies ;)

Six months already?

Has it really been six months since we said goodbye to our angel? Six months and three days since the first and last time I saw that wonderful little heartbeat fluttering away.

Wow.

Yup, here come the tears.

Today is full of should have beens and would haves. I would have been 32weeks right now. I should have been getting excited for showers, and working on maternity leave. Instead I sit here at 10dpo praying that this latest round of medicine, needles, bloodwork, and IUI have done the trick, and that we have a baby snuggling in for the long haul. I sit here and try not to be envious of other women in my life who have beautiful, healthy pregnancies, or who seem to have no problem conceiving and carrying their children, and yet I can't quite face the fact that my parents will be going to my cousin's baby shower soon. My cousin who is due 10 days after I should have been. I can't quite face the fact that we've been at this whole baby thing for almost two years now, and yet most of the time we didn't even have a chance at succeeding.

So I sit here, and I pray. I ask God for His strength and wisdom, and I beg Him to let this be the time, His perfect time. And in between moments of calm peace, I am afraid. Afraid that it won't happen, that it'll never happen. But I have faith, and during these trials, it is all I have to cling to. Faith in God is the only thing that got me through Ben's injury and recovery, and it'll get me through this. If there is one thing I can't forget, it's that God never promised we wouldn't have sorrow and pain, but He did promise we wouldn't suffer alone. God keeps His promises. Thank you, God.

HSG today.

It's CD6 and I had my HSG today. I was so nervous about the contrast dye and my allergies, but everything went well, despite needing a speculum change mid-procedure. ;) I was rather red and a teensy bit itchy afterwards (little did I know he'd be cleaning my cervix with Iodine!), but I took a benadryl and felt much better. I think what really did it was the Prednisone (steroid) 12 and 2 hours before the procedure.

We've decided to continue on with the medicated cycles and do TI, and our RE is supportive of that. I had been feeling ready to give up, but seeing as I've only ovulated 4 times in the almost 19 months off bcp, I think I just need to have more patience. ;) Especially since one of those 4 ovulations resulted in our angel. We will be holding off on the IUIs until this summer, and I'm hoping and praying we won't be needing them. :)

That's the news for now, I should be going in for an u/s soon, so I'll update when I can. :)

Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart
take courage;
wait for the Lord.

–Psalm 27:14

Cycle #13 aka: my ute can suck it. my ovaries, too.

I think this post title explains it all, no?

Right now we're undecided whether or not we'll take a break cycle or do a medicated TI cycle. Either way I think we're done with IUIs until Ben is on summer break. It's simply too stressful worry about how the schedule falls with his work. We'll have to decide by tomorrow morning, so I'll post again later.

For now, I'm searching for that silver lining in the big, m-fing stormcloud.

I'm behind in my blogging ::insert shameful face here::

It's been a busy few weeks over here, so I have been sadly lacking in my blogging. I'm sorry! let me see if I can catch up quickly here. ;)

01/31-02/04 continued Gonal-f injections, but moved from 150units to 225units. Bruising from said shots just faded last week. ;)

Went in Thursday 2/4 for an u/s check and found three follies, one lefty almost to 18 and two righties between 13 and 14. Triggered next day (CD11) with IUI on CD12 (2/6). Temps confirmed O day as CD12, and I promptly was staggered that I o'd 5-6 days earlier than on Clomid cycles. Hoping and praying that is a good sign. :)

Tuesday 2-9 was the second anniversary of Ben's near death from the brain aneurysm. Spent much of the day putzing around, and praying thankfully throughout much of the day. Went to the grocery store (several hours later than planned) to get fixin's for chicken enchiladas as Ben requested that for his "birthday" dinner. Decided that store made apple pie will have to do as I don't have time for homemade now (damn you facebook).

Was blindsided by a co-worker whom I see infrequently (6-8 yrs younger than me and married for a whole 6 months) as she says to me, "Hi, Joy! Guess what?! I'm pregnant! Probably about 3 weeks, we just found out!" Picture this said with a big smile from girl and blank somewhat embarrassed look from guy since we're in the middle of the u-scan check out line and about 6 feet away from each other. Then picture a blank look from me, sort of like I just got smacked upside the head with a board, and I reply, "Wow. Well, good luck with that." And I turn back to my u-scanning unable to process anything more than "Wow."

I feel like a bit of jerk on my way home for my less than congratulatory response, but decide that I might be a jerk, but at least I wasn't the asshat who said something like, "Wow. 3 weeks, huh? Well, I hope you're not one of the 40% who miscarries their first pregnancy. You know, like I did back in Sept. a few weeks after you were married. You know, after we've been trying for a year and seeing a fertility specialist. No, really, I'm so happy to hear that you don't have any problems getting pregnant and are happy to tell someone you don't know very well and only see every now and then at work. Congrats. If I ever manage to get pregnant, oh yeah, and stay pregnant, I'll be sure to tell you first!"

Get home and realize that I completely forgot the tortillas, and we're going to have some kind of enchilada casserole concoction instead of what I planned. Thank God I have a kind husband who says, "Sounds good to me." I then look at my ute and say that there had better be a baby in there making me forget so much. Then I remind myself I'm a whole whopping 3dpo, so it's really just me being forgetful and not the fault of a phantom baby.

Spent much of next five days very tired and experiencing almost every phantom symptom known to ff and obsessive TTCers the world over. Reminded myself daily that obsessing does not make you pregnant and I need to relax because there is not a damn thing I can do other than pray. constantly.

Yesterday I missed choir because I fell asleep on the couch again for hours before my husband woke me up so I could go to bed. Spent the long walk up the stairs (it's not a long stair case, but when you're so tired you're stumbling, it takes a bit more ;) thinking about how I'll maybe test in the morning if my temp is up because I'll be 11dptrigger so it should be out of my system. Gag myself brushing my teeth (not a common occurance) and think about poasing some more. Sleep like the dead, which is good because the cats had me trapped anyways.

Wake up to a big temp drop and want to cry, but don't. Instead, try not to give up all hope, pray some more, and browse ff's chart gallery for charts with 10dpo temp drops and bfps. Spent some time on facebook and forums, and decide to update blog. Did so with incomplete sentences and poor grammar, and probably atrocious spelling.

So, that is the past few weeks in a nutshell. A rather long, rambling, and poorly crafted nutshell, but nonetheless, a nutshell. ;) I'm sorry for the babble, and the incoherency, I guess that is just how I'm feeling today. I've still got this speck of hope inside of me, but that temp drop this am has really taken the wind out of my sails. We've sort of started to look at the next month and what we'll do. We've thought more about taking a cycle break, but that EDD of May 1st is looming over my head. I'm going to be a wreck on that day if we're not pregnant by then, and I'm not looking forward to it. :( All I've got left right now is some hope and lots of prayers. And a wonderful husband to be so thankful for, so I guess I'll just count my blessings and savor them. They're a little bittersweet right now, but at least I have them. :)

Cycle #12: Bring on the needles...

So here we are, the 12th cycle, almost 14 months from TTC start date, 18 months after I stopped taking the pill, and 4 and a half months after we lost our angel.

Let me introduce my new friend: the Gonal-f pen.
It's actually not that bad. After all, I give shots to plenty of other people, so you'd think giving them to myself would be a piece of pie. It helps that the needle is so very small and fine. ;)

So, the plan. Baseline u/s last Weds (01/27), Estradiol (E2) level (60), and begin 150 units Gonal-f nightly. I'm to continue the shots until Monday, have another E2 level drawn today (check), and call the office Monday am to get the results. I presume I'll be scheduling another u/s to check my pesky ovaries and their progress, and most likely continuing the pen for another day or two with more bloodwork. Needless to say, this cycle is already much more intensive than the Clomid ones, at least in the sense of things involved. It doesn't help that I've been down with the mother of all head colds for nearly a week now! :D

So, one more IUI and then we're taking a break if we have to. I know I've said that already multiple times, but I really haven't wanted to and felt forced to by some other things going on in our lives. However, God continues to work His mysterious ways in our life. Two days after we decided to go one more cycle, one day after I started the meds and found out our insurance does cover them, I got a call from the people who have the power to resolve our biggest headache and we're going to be meeting on Tuesday. I can't fathom God's reasoning behind the timing of this, so I will just continue to give thanks that it is happening at all. I am hoping and praying that we have more good news in store for us this upcoming month.

99 Things

I've borrowed this from another blog. You're supposed to bold the things that you've done in your life to date. :) I may need to get out more. :D

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (Disney World, in FL, right?)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16.Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance (does it count if my husband was the pt and I rode along?)
47. Had your portrait painted (by my art teacher in an after school class as I was painting)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (Fish!)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Now it's your turn! Copy this into your blog and bold the things that you've done. Enjoy! :)

Since it's Sunday, here is my confession:

I am scared to pee on a HPT. I am scared it's going to be negative and I'm going to bawl my eyes out. I'm scared it's going to be positive and I'm going to bawl my eyes out.

Being pregnant would be infinitely better than not being pregnant, of course. But it will bring new fears of miscarrying again, and the strength I'll have to find to not simply stay in my bed for the next 38 weeks.

If we're not pregnant this time around, I'm going to be heartbroken. Not only because the fertility cycle was unsuccessful again, but because we're going to have to take a break from all the meds and IUIs. Do we want to? No! But we've got some instability with my husband's job right now, and I need to be able to focus all my energy on him and the situation, so it is not a good time to be running back and forth to my doctor (who is 45 mins away).

So here I sit, a 30 yr old woman, afraid to pee on a piece of plastic containing paper and dye. I'd be laughing at myself, if I wasn't sure I'd start crying.

Happy 101 Award!!

I have been awarded the Happy 101 award from Mrs. Andreazza at

Mr. and Mrs. C and Baby Makes Three!

Thank you, Mrs. A. :) You are such a sweetheart, all the time. ;)

The rules: List 10 things that make you happy. Pass it on to 10 bloggers that make your day a better one!

My List
(in no particular order)

1. My husband, Ben.
2. Our friends and families, especially our nieces and nephews.
3. Our cats.
4. All the blessings and miracles we've been given.
5. Prayer.
6. Music.
7. My job (nurse in a family practice).
8. Glorious sunrises that paint the horizon with brilliant colors.
9. Good books, good wine, and warm blankets to curl up in.
10. God and His unending love for us, His strength when I fail, and His everlasting mercy and grace.

My favorite blogs
(Sorry, I don't have 10 that haven't already been tagged)

• My Eggs and Ham (private blog-sorry)
• Our Journey
• Life After The City (private blog-sorry)
  
• The Matchinski Family
• Life From Pippy's Perspective
• Confessions of a Logophile
• A Healthier Me and Maybe Baby?

Thank you all for sharing bits of your lives through your blogs. I wish you all a blessed and wonderful 2010! (And the years to follow, too. :)

Update on IUI#3

Well, it's not an IUI anymore. :( Due to technical difficulties, this month has been switched to TI, which we are managing, so really it isn't a bad move. And frankly, I'm not all that upset, as this change in plans means that we still have four more IUIs covered by insurance, and those (if they need to happen)will be with injectables.

So, I went in Tuesday (1/12) for the u/s, and there were two littler guys right on top of each other in my right ovary. The RE couldn't get a really good look at them as little righty likes to hide, but he estimated them as about 16mm to 16.5mm. On the left was a 22mm follie! I couldn't believe it. :) So I triggered with the Ovidrel at about 1145am on Tuesday, and I think I ovulated later that evening because I had some strong pains in my lower abd. And my temp jumped Weds am. ;)

That is the long and short of it, and I will not be testing before Wednesday 1/28, which would be 14dpo. I may even wait until 15dpo just in case. Frankly, I really don't want to see another BFN, nor waste my more expensive tests. In the meantime I will be ordering some cheapie HPTs just in case. And doing a lot of praying, for both patience and peace as I am in need of both of those.