Six months already?

Has it really been six months since we said goodbye to our angel? Six months and three days since the first and last time I saw that wonderful little heartbeat fluttering away.

Wow.

Yup, here come the tears.

Today is full of should have beens and would haves. I would have been 32weeks right now. I should have been getting excited for showers, and working on maternity leave. Instead I sit here at 10dpo praying that this latest round of medicine, needles, bloodwork, and IUI have done the trick, and that we have a baby snuggling in for the long haul. I sit here and try not to be envious of other women in my life who have beautiful, healthy pregnancies, or who seem to have no problem conceiving and carrying their children, and yet I can't quite face the fact that my parents will be going to my cousin's baby shower soon. My cousin who is due 10 days after I should have been. I can't quite face the fact that we've been at this whole baby thing for almost two years now, and yet most of the time we didn't even have a chance at succeeding.

So I sit here, and I pray. I ask God for His strength and wisdom, and I beg Him to let this be the time, His perfect time. And in between moments of calm peace, I am afraid. Afraid that it won't happen, that it'll never happen. But I have faith, and during these trials, it is all I have to cling to. Faith in God is the only thing that got me through Ben's injury and recovery, and it'll get me through this. If there is one thing I can't forget, it's that God never promised we wouldn't have sorrow and pain, but He did promise we wouldn't suffer alone. God keeps His promises. Thank you, God.