Merry Christmas to you all. I hope and pray that this season has brought and will bring wonderful things to us all, and that the coming new year is one filled with happiness and joy.
I have not received that positive pg test that we had hoped and prayed for, but we still had a wonderful day with our family and I give thanks for all the blessings God has bestowed upon us.
I am not happy to face another cycle, and have to decide whether to continue on with treatments or take a break until spring, but then I know that this imperfect world rarely treats us fairly. I discovered this song in 2008 when Ben was in the hospital, it spoke to me then in my despair, and it still speaks to me as I sit here with a heavy heart despite my joy in celebrating our Christ's birth.
Here is the address, I'm sorry I can't embed the video to make it clicky, for some reason that is disabled. :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXPZYGBxqmc
Enjoy!
25 December 2009
20 December 2009
A quick update at 8dpo.
So, we had our second IUI on 12/12 at 11am, with my trigger (Ovidrel this time) just over 24 hrs earlier. And we had awesome numbers this time. 55million after wash!!!! With 91% motility!!!! I about fell off the table in shock, I couldn't believe it. :D That is a lot of little guys for my two eggs, I hope they all hooked up and had a party. ;)
I've been having plenty of phantom symptoms, mostly bloating, constipation, cramping, boob enlargement, and some hit or miss nausea. These are all things I had with our first bfp, so I am hopeful. I have to say that the bloating and constipation are not nearly as bad this time around, and I am much more comfortable. ;) I'm also having stuffy/runny nose problems and funny tastes in my mouth, but that is most likely from this cold Ben and I have been trading back and forth.
So, Pee day is Christmas eve at 12dpo/13dptrigger. :D Although I do have a confession, I have been testing out my trigger with cheapie opks, and those faint lines are still there. :D I am 9dptrigger right now, and I used Ovidrel 250mcg.
And I, being the super nerd that I am, had to figure out when I could expect to stop getting +'s from the trigger. So, the half life on Ovidrel is 29 hrs +/- 6hrs, making the maximum half life 35 hrs, i.e. just under 1.5 days. Dividing 250 by half, the remainder by half, and so forth, after 4 divisions there should be 15.625 mcg of hcg left in my body. Each division is 33 hrs, so 33 * 4= 140hrs. 140/24= 5.83 (repeating). Thus according to my math I shouldn't be getting + on the opk (threashold of 25mcg) after 6 dptrigger. The opks I have taken in the last few days haven't been positive, but they have certainly had two lines, so despite my obsessing over the science of it, I don't think I'll believe that second line until I poas Christmas Eve morning at 12dpo. Whether I'll be strong and keep away from my cheapie opks until then, well, that I can't promise. :D
I've been having plenty of phantom symptoms, mostly bloating, constipation, cramping, boob enlargement, and some hit or miss nausea. These are all things I had with our first bfp, so I am hopeful. I have to say that the bloating and constipation are not nearly as bad this time around, and I am much more comfortable. ;) I'm also having stuffy/runny nose problems and funny tastes in my mouth, but that is most likely from this cold Ben and I have been trading back and forth.
So, Pee day is Christmas eve at 12dpo/13dptrigger. :D Although I do have a confession, I have been testing out my trigger with cheapie opks, and those faint lines are still there. :D I am 9dptrigger right now, and I used Ovidrel 250mcg.
And I, being the super nerd that I am, had to figure out when I could expect to stop getting +'s from the trigger. So, the half life on Ovidrel is 29 hrs +/- 6hrs, making the maximum half life 35 hrs, i.e. just under 1.5 days. Dividing 250 by half, the remainder by half, and so forth, after 4 divisions there should be 15.625 mcg of hcg left in my body. Each division is 33 hrs, so 33 * 4= 140hrs. 140/24= 5.83 (repeating). Thus according to my math I shouldn't be getting + on the opk (threashold of 25mcg) after 6 dptrigger. The opks I have taken in the last few days haven't been positive, but they have certainly had two lines, so despite my obsessing over the science of it, I don't think I'll believe that second line until I poas Christmas Eve morning at 12dpo. Whether I'll be strong and keep away from my cheapie opks until then, well, that I can't promise. :D
20 November 2009
So, It's been a while now...
And things haven't really changed all that much. Well, at least on some fronts they haven't.
Not so good news:
This hit home with me today. I have been praying so hard for a child, praying for guidance, praying for Ben; but I am not always preparing to receive God's answering of my prayers. What a realization! So many times I say to myself, well, I'll start that when this happens, or we'll wait to do that until we do this. How many times have I prayed for something, and then just waited instead of preparing to receive the blessing? (It makes me think of making dinner, but not washing plates to eat on. ;)
Where is this going? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but right now I feel a little clearer of purpose. I know I have faith in God and His promises, and I think I'm seeing how having faith isn't enough. I have to act on that faith, on that trust and belief. Thank you, God, for all these moments of clarity, for the times of grief, and the times of joy. For all of this and so much more.
Here is a song that I first heard earlier this week, and I simply love it. She sings beautifully and simply about how I've been feeling.
Not so good news:
- I'm on CD70, 5 days after my last progesterone pill, and still haven't gotten my period yet. I have had random cramping and some almost spotting, but no dice just yet. I'm really hoping that God is setting me up for a Christmas Day bfp, which would be simply awesome. :)
- We're having to finally deal with the fallout from Ben's brain injury at work (how his brain changes are impacting his job performances), and facing the possibility that he won't have a job come spring.
- We have a new nephew born on 9/24, a beautiful little guy named Tyler Anthony whom I fell in love with when he was only 6 hrs old.
- My sister is now 32 wks along and getting ready for baby Nicholas to get here. She is so adorable with her big belly and little self, but I hear she is getting more and more uncomfortable, which for Amy = instant grumpiness. :)
- I am crying less about the loss of our little angel, and thanking God for those few weeks we had with him/her. I did lose it in church on All Saint's Sunday when we lit candles for our departed loved ones, though. I had to leave the sanctuary to go and break down in the ladies room, and a wonderful woman (whose name escapes me right now) followed me and held me while I sobbed. I am so thankful for the earthbound angels God sends in our times of need.
- As difficult as it is to face Ben's problems at work, his superintendent does want to keep Ben on if at all possible, and they are willing to work with us as long as we make the effort. This has necessitated a complete overhaul of our lives and how we do things (a work in progress), but I really thing this is a huge positive step for us, whether the end result is him continuing at his job or not. We are scheduled for a orientation with VESID, a state agency for people with disabilities, and are taking other steps to help him make progress at work. It is hard, but well worth it.
- I have joined a new choir! It is more advanced music than we do in my church choir, and I feel like I'm singing in college again. I love it!! We're doing some lovely Christmas music, and selected parts of the Messiah, and we have 3 concerts between now and 12/14. I am so excited! :D
This hit home with me today. I have been praying so hard for a child, praying for guidance, praying for Ben; but I am not always preparing to receive God's answering of my prayers. What a realization! So many times I say to myself, well, I'll start that when this happens, or we'll wait to do that until we do this. How many times have I prayed for something, and then just waited instead of preparing to receive the blessing? (It makes me think of making dinner, but not washing plates to eat on. ;)
Where is this going? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but right now I feel a little clearer of purpose. I know I have faith in God and His promises, and I think I'm seeing how having faith isn't enough. I have to act on that faith, on that trust and belief. Thank you, God, for all these moments of clarity, for the times of grief, and the times of joy. For all of this and so much more.
Here is a song that I first heard earlier this week, and I simply love it. She sings beautifully and simply about how I've been feeling.
29 September 2009
Unaswered Questions.
Why does this have to be so hard? Why did my body decide to stop miscarrying halfway through the process, thus prolonging this agony? Why me? Why us? How am I supposed to return to normal when I just want to lay in bed and sleep or cry? Why is it that some days I'm fine and others I'm a wreck? Why is it that complete peace is eluding me? Why do I torment myself thinking about how far along I'd be right now, and how big our little angel would have been? Why does every cramp and every drop of blood remind me of how happy we were just a month ago?
I have all these questions, and no real, concrete answer to them. I guess I'm just going through a rough spot, maybe it's the fact that 2.5 weeks after the fact I am still miscarrying. Maybe it's having to help plan my sister's baby shower, or anticipating the arrival of my sister-in-law's second child. Maybe it's the feeling the pregnant women are just following me around. Whatever it is, I don't know if I can take it much longer. Something will have to give, and soon. I'm hoping and praying that what I'll lose is this funk, this depression I seem to be in. I really want to return to my usual self, my happy with life, thankful for my blessings self who enjoys living.
Right now I just want to weep.
God, please, I need your strength right now, I just can't do this by myself. I know you're with me, and I am so thankful for that. Please, lend me your peace and help me heal. Amen.
I have all these questions, and no real, concrete answer to them. I guess I'm just going through a rough spot, maybe it's the fact that 2.5 weeks after the fact I am still miscarrying. Maybe it's having to help plan my sister's baby shower, or anticipating the arrival of my sister-in-law's second child. Maybe it's the feeling the pregnant women are just following me around. Whatever it is, I don't know if I can take it much longer. Something will have to give, and soon. I'm hoping and praying that what I'll lose is this funk, this depression I seem to be in. I really want to return to my usual self, my happy with life, thankful for my blessings self who enjoys living.
Right now I just want to weep.
God, please, I need your strength right now, I just can't do this by myself. I know you're with me, and I am so thankful for that. Please, lend me your peace and help me heal. Amen.
14 September 2009
Our little angel has left us.
Yes, it is true.
We lost our little one at 6weeks, 5days, and after seeing that precious little heartbeat flickering away only 3 days before. It is bittersweet to see that ultrasound picture and know that that little life is no longer inside me. Yet I take comfort in knowing that our little angel is with God, at peace and perfect in heaven. It doesn't make the pain any easier right now, or make my weeping cease, but I trust in God and believe that this too shall pass.
I know the statistics on miscarriage, and know intimately within my family how easy it is to lose a pregnancy, but we prayed it wouldn't happen to us. I strongly believe that in a perfect world, the world the way God intended it, each life he created would be perfect and wonderful. Unfortunately, we live in a broken and imperfect world, and thus, something must have gone wrong with our little one, something that took him or her from my womb and to God.
This weekend has been rough on my husband and I, and rough on our family. But as with everything, there is hope during the storm. Ben and I have weathered so much in our few years together, and we know that we can overcome this, too. So, we grieve the loss of our little one, and then we pick ourselves up and move on, solid in our love and faith.
A song kept coming into my head while I prayed this weekend, a song that is a petition to God and a reaffirmation of faith at the same time. I couldn't always find the words I needed to say, and these words spoke my heartache for me:
We lost our little one at 6weeks, 5days, and after seeing that precious little heartbeat flickering away only 3 days before. It is bittersweet to see that ultrasound picture and know that that little life is no longer inside me. Yet I take comfort in knowing that our little angel is with God, at peace and perfect in heaven. It doesn't make the pain any easier right now, or make my weeping cease, but I trust in God and believe that this too shall pass.
I know the statistics on miscarriage, and know intimately within my family how easy it is to lose a pregnancy, but we prayed it wouldn't happen to us. I strongly believe that in a perfect world, the world the way God intended it, each life he created would be perfect and wonderful. Unfortunately, we live in a broken and imperfect world, and thus, something must have gone wrong with our little one, something that took him or her from my womb and to God.
This weekend has been rough on my husband and I, and rough on our family. But as with everything, there is hope during the storm. Ben and I have weathered so much in our few years together, and we know that we can overcome this, too. So, we grieve the loss of our little one, and then we pick ourselves up and move on, solid in our love and faith.
A song kept coming into my head while I prayed this weekend, a song that is a petition to God and a reaffirmation of faith at the same time. I couldn't always find the words I needed to say, and these words spoke my heartache for me:
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now
Your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now
09 September 2009
Back from the 1st ultrasoud
We have good news! We had the 1st ultrasound done today and got to see the heartbeat flickering away on the screen. It was so cool, it looked like a little strobe light in my uterus. And there was only one heartbeat, which made my husband very happy.
The only potential downside is that the RE was a little concerned over some fluid he wasn't expecting to see in my uterus. He speculates that it is from an ovarian cyst that ruptured, but there is a slim (1:36000) chance that it is from an ectopic pregnancy in addition to the little one in the correct spot. So, back to the RE for another session with the dildo cam on Tues 9/22. I'm not going to complain for several reasons.
And now I'm off to bed shortly as I am whupped and Ben wants the computer back. ;)
The only potential downside is that the RE was a little concerned over some fluid he wasn't expecting to see in my uterus. He speculates that it is from an ovarian cyst that ruptured, but there is a slim (1:36000) chance that it is from an ectopic pregnancy in addition to the little one in the correct spot. So, back to the RE for another session with the dildo cam on Tues 9/22. I'm not going to complain for several reasons.
- We get to see that beautiful heartbeat going again, maybe even hear it this time.
- I'd rather play it safe and make sure the fluid is from a cyst and not an ectopic.
- I forgot to ask for a referral to an OB! Note to self: don't forget next time! ;)
And now I'm off to bed shortly as I am whupped and Ben wants the computer back. ;)
30 August 2009
The Sixth Week
I'm a day early on this, but I know I won't be in any condition to post tomorrow, so here we go. ;)
So, the 6th week, otherwise known as 5 weeks 0 days through 5 weeks 6 days. Frankly, the system of counting really confuses me. It's kinda like the 1900's vs. the 20th century. ;) All in all, confusing, and totally unfair to a fatigued, newly pregnant chick. :D
I borrowed this little weekly survey from another bumpie (The Heir to Blair ), as have many other ladies. It is a pretty neat little thing to look back on how the weeks change, so I've decided to do it too.
How far along? end of 5th week, start of 6th week (5w0d)
Total weight gain/loss: +2 lbs, mainly due to bloat and constipation (sorry;)
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but if this bloat doesn't get under control I'll need to get some new pants.
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: Yes, although I'm getting up to pee a couple times a night regularly, whether I drink extra at bedtime or not.
Best moment this week: #1: Getting the beta results back #2: Telling my dad we're pregnant. :D
Movement: Nope.
Food Cravings: Soup, mashed potatoes, and Mcdonald's milkshake (that didn't turn out so well)
Gender: no idea. I have no gut feelings either way, neither does Ben. ;)
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Being regular, unnauseated, and not quite as tired.
What I am looking forward to: the next eight months or so. :D
Weekly Wisdom: Start a stool softener as soon as you get that positive test, don't let your system get backed up or you will really regret it.
Milestones: Out of the first month already!
So, that's this past week in a nutshell. Sorry about all the constipation talk, but, well, it has been a problem ranking right up there with the nausea. It's for a good reason, though, so I guess I'll just have to grin (or swear) and bear it. :D
So, the 6th week, otherwise known as 5 weeks 0 days through 5 weeks 6 days. Frankly, the system of counting really confuses me. It's kinda like the 1900's vs. the 20th century. ;) All in all, confusing, and totally unfair to a fatigued, newly pregnant chick. :D
I borrowed this little weekly survey from another bumpie (The Heir to Blair ), as have many other ladies. It is a pretty neat little thing to look back on how the weeks change, so I've decided to do it too.
How far along? end of 5th week, start of 6th week (5w0d)
Total weight gain/loss: +2 lbs, mainly due to bloat and constipation (sorry;)
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but if this bloat doesn't get under control I'll need to get some new pants.
Stretch Marks?: Unfortunately yes, but not because of baby, but because I've been far too fluffy for far too long. :(
Sleep: Yes, although I'm getting up to pee a couple times a night regularly, whether I drink extra at bedtime or not.
Best moment this week: #1: Getting the beta results back #2: Telling my dad we're pregnant. :D
Movement: Nope.
Food Cravings: Soup, mashed potatoes, and Mcdonald's milkshake (that didn't turn out so well)
Gender: no idea. I have no gut feelings either way, neither does Ben. ;)
Labor Signs: God, no. :D
Belly Button in or out? Very much in. :D
What I miss: Being regular, unnauseated, and not quite as tired.
What I am looking forward to: the next eight months or so. :D
Weekly Wisdom: Start a stool softener as soon as you get that positive test, don't let your system get backed up or you will really regret it.
Milestones: Out of the first month already!
So, that's this past week in a nutshell. Sorry about all the constipation talk, but, well, it has been a problem ranking right up there with the nausea. It's for a good reason, though, so I guess I'll just have to grin (or swear) and bear it. :D
29 August 2009
My Constant Companions...
Nausea, bloating, constipation, fatigue, and heartburn. Ah, my good friends, please make yourselves at home in my body. While I'm not enjoying your company, I am happy to have you because you remind me there is a little one growing inside me. Every wave of nausea is like a nudge from the little babe in there saying "Hey Ma, don't forget me!" I hope I'm still appreciating the communication when I'm hanging over a toilet/sink/trashcan upchucking my last meal. ;)
Oh, little one? Mama would be so thankful if you would lay off the nausea during church tomorrow and all of September. I'm going to be reading scripture in church, and I really don't want to vomit all over the Holy Bible or the podium. Or Pastor Sherri, or any other member of the congregation, or myself for that matter. Thank you sweetie! ::kisses:
Oh, little one? Mama would be so thankful if you would lay off the nausea during church tomorrow and all of September. I'm going to be reading scripture in church, and I really don't want to vomit all over the Holy Bible or the podium. Or Pastor Sherri, or any other member of the congregation, or myself for that matter. Thank you sweetie! ::kisses:
26 August 2009
Beta numbers are great! Driving...not so much.
So, my first Beta was 148 on Monday (8/24) at 1244. My second today was 308 at 0745. Woot!!! My progesterone level on Monday was 82.50, and we're still waiting on the level from today to come back.
My RE is pleased, and the nurse said that all this nausea and bloating/distension I've been having is perfectly normal, and a good sign! We now have a u/s scheduled for 9/9 at 1415, and I am so excited!!
On a side not, either fatigue is getting the best of me, or I'm getting pregnant brain early because I've lost my mind today. I couldn't remember a darn thing, am distracted easily, and almost possibly ran over a pedestrian in a crosswalk. Awful, right?
In my defense, not that there's much of one, I had just finished a 10 hr day and was headed to the grocery store while trying to stay awake long enough to get home. I had stopped for pedestrians crossing from my right side in front of me and started to go after they were clear. Then I hear someone shout "ASSHOLE" practically in my left ear, I jump, slam on my brakes, and see an irate woman making gestures at me in my rear view mirror. I hollered "Sorry" at her through my window, which made feel like more of a jerk, and drove on. I like to think I would have seen her if she was in front of my car, but I thank God that she wasn't. The whole thing was traumatic enough as it is. Especially on top of yesterday when I was pulling out into an intersection with a green light as a semi (that I didn't see) ran a red turning light to make a left turn.
I need to pay more attention when I'm driving, apparently. The crazy part is that I have always been a careful, cautious, and good driver. And now all the sudden I'm losing my mind. ::sigh:: I may have to turn off the radio so I don't sing along anymore. ;)
Oh well, at least I haven't puked yet. ;) Although fresh urine from a teenager almost did me in this am. Darn school physicals, anyways. :D ::dry heaves at memory::
My RE is pleased, and the nurse said that all this nausea and bloating/distension I've been having is perfectly normal, and a good sign! We now have a u/s scheduled for 9/9 at 1415, and I am so excited!!
On a side not, either fatigue is getting the best of me, or I'm getting pregnant brain early because I've lost my mind today. I couldn't remember a darn thing, am distracted easily, and almost possibly ran over a pedestrian in a crosswalk. Awful, right?
In my defense, not that there's much of one, I had just finished a 10 hr day and was headed to the grocery store while trying to stay awake long enough to get home. I had stopped for pedestrians crossing from my right side in front of me and started to go after they were clear. Then I hear someone shout "ASSHOLE" practically in my left ear, I jump, slam on my brakes, and see an irate woman making gestures at me in my rear view mirror. I hollered "Sorry" at her through my window, which made feel like more of a jerk, and drove on. I like to think I would have seen her if she was in front of my car, but I thank God that she wasn't. The whole thing was traumatic enough as it is. Especially on top of yesterday when I was pulling out into an intersection with a green light as a semi (that I didn't see) ran a red turning light to make a left turn.
I need to pay more attention when I'm driving, apparently. The crazy part is that I have always been a careful, cautious, and good driver. And now all the sudden I'm losing my mind. ::sigh:: I may have to turn off the radio so I don't sing along anymore. ;)
Oh well, at least I haven't puked yet. ;) Although fresh urine from a teenager almost did me in this am. Darn school physicals, anyways. :D ::dry heaves at memory::
24 August 2009
So I'm really starting to believe this...
Yesterday I was still giving the positive test the side eye, even this one taken at about 1300 or 1400. Even after I almost had to leave church because of nausea. But, oh boy, are those lines reallllly nice to see! :D
Well, I couldn't resist, so I tried peeing on the OPK, and sure enough, it came up positive. Knowing this was still 14dptrigger, I was trying not to get too excited. Ben was expressing his excitement his usual way, with a hug, a "That would be nice" (if we're pg), and returning to his XBox360. I know that doesn't sound emotional to you, but that is actually somewhat excited for him. I don't think he'll really believe it until we see a picture or something. If these are true positives. ;)
So. Here are the pee sticks from this morning. Again, one expired in 6/09 (tells you how long they've been hanging around my house!), but they both say those magical words, "Pregnant." I am starting to get excited, and praising God joyfully. If this is really true, we have been blessed with another miracle, and I am so very thankful. (now I'm crying as I type this)
So, the plan. First, get ready for work and eat something before I puke. ;) Second, try to find some tactful and sensitive way to share the news with my co-worker if she asks. (she has struggled with IF for years (MFI) and is waiting for adoption) Thirdly, call my RE's office as soon as they open and ask them to send me a req for a blood draw which I will do over lunch. And finally, report back to GP! :D
Oh, and our parents, too. ;)
Well, I couldn't resist, so I tried peeing on the OPK, and sure enough, it came up positive. Knowing this was still 14dptrigger, I was trying not to get too excited. Ben was expressing his excitement his usual way, with a hug, a "That would be nice" (if we're pg), and returning to his XBox360. I know that doesn't sound emotional to you, but that is actually somewhat excited for him. I don't think he'll really believe it until we see a picture or something. If these are true positives. ;)
So. Here are the pee sticks from this morning. Again, one expired in 6/09 (tells you how long they've been hanging around my house!), but they both say those magical words, "Pregnant." I am starting to get excited, and praising God joyfully. If this is really true, we have been blessed with another miracle, and I am so very thankful. (now I'm crying as I type this)
So, the plan. First, get ready for work and eat something before I puke. ;) Second, try to find some tactful and sensitive way to share the news with my co-worker if she asks. (she has struggled with IF for years (MFI) and is waiting for adoption) Thirdly, call my RE's office as soon as they open and ask them to send me a req for a blood draw which I will do over lunch. And finally, report back to GP! :D
Oh, and our parents, too. ;)
23 August 2009
SHH! Don't tell anyone. ;)
Before you read this post, I need you, dear reader ;), to promise not to blab the potential news that is forthcoming. Most especially to the bump in general, and for you few who know me irl, please don't say anything to my family.
Okay, do I have your promise?
Are you sure? You won't say a word? Be honest with yourself, can you keep a secret? ;)
Okay then, here it is:
Taken at 0600 8/23. A caveat to all of this before the picture sets in and you get all happy for us:
I've accepted that my early POASing could lead to an eventual BFN and some heartbreak. And as sad as I'll be if this cycle is a bust, well, I did just ovulate for the first time in months and that is a step in the right direction.
And, as always, I have faith in God's plan for us. I prayed so hard last night after I saw that spotting, I prayed through my tears and told God how sad this made me. But I also told him that I knew his timing was perfect, and to please help me have the patience to wait for Him. I'm still praying for that.
I'll update again when I have more news. Thank you all in advance for keeping this all under wraps until I'm ready. God Bless you!
Okay, do I have your promise?
Are you sure? You won't say a word? Be honest with yourself, can you keep a secret? ;)
Okay then, here it is:
Taken at 0600 8/23. A caveat to all of this before the picture sets in and you get all happy for us:
- While I am 14dptrigger, or at least I will be at 0930 today, this could still be a false positive.
- After peeing, I realized that this test expired 7/31/09, so even though the control line popped up, this could still be false.
- I had some brown mucousy spotting last night, with a teeny, tiny bit of bright red in it. That, along with some AF-style cramps makes me think this is false. AF is due anytime now, as this is DPO13 and my LP hasn't been longer than 14 days.
- I'm trying really hard not to be more than cautiously excited, which is why I asked anyone who reads this to keep it under wraps, for now anyways.
I've accepted that my early POASing could lead to an eventual BFN and some heartbreak. And as sad as I'll be if this cycle is a bust, well, I did just ovulate for the first time in months and that is a step in the right direction.
And, as always, I have faith in God's plan for us. I prayed so hard last night after I saw that spotting, I prayed through my tears and told God how sad this made me. But I also told him that I knew his timing was perfect, and to please help me have the patience to wait for Him. I'm still praying for that.
I'll update again when I have more news. Thank you all in advance for keeping this all under wraps until I'm ready. God Bless you!
18 August 2009
8dpo/iui, and 9dptrigger = Begin the anxiety and phantom symptoms
This past week since the IUI has been...interesting, to say the least. I've been having some crazy phantom symptoms, and some other things that I don't really understand where they're coming from.
For example, I have had such a tender lower abdomen ever since the IUI, complete with bloating, occasional cramps, and sensitivity to pressure. I have had super sore nipples and very heavy feeling breasts. Yesterday I was so tired at 1500 that I felt like I could fall asleep at work! I was in with a patient and blinked and then had a hard time getting my eyelids back up! Today I finally have my mid-week day off back (I know, what am I complaining about, I get weekends off don't I? :), and not only am I sleepy, but, boy, am I irritable.
To add to all this, I've started thinking about going against my own no-POASing until after the blood work on 15dpo/iui (16dptrigger), provided AF doesn't visit by then. You see, I made the mistake of checking out FF's chart gallery, and I saw several charts where the woman got a negative around 10dptrigger when the HCG was supposed to still be in her system. Which got me thinking, well, I could poas Monday am before work. But I have this fear of a false positive from the HCG trigger shot, at least until that naughty little voice inside me says, but it could be right... Gahhh!!!
I know. I need to take a deep breath and relax. ::sigh:: Maybe I'll do some yoga. Or clean. Or pay bills. Or take a nap. ;)
Before all that, I will pray for peace and patience and trust in God's plan for me. After all, I have no control over what may or may not be going on in my uterus, so why get all worked up over it? I can't see where this path is leading, so I shall walk by faith in the one who knows where I'm going.
Now I just have to remember to do this for the next seven days. ;)
For example, I have had such a tender lower abdomen ever since the IUI, complete with bloating, occasional cramps, and sensitivity to pressure. I have had super sore nipples and very heavy feeling breasts. Yesterday I was so tired at 1500 that I felt like I could fall asleep at work! I was in with a patient and blinked and then had a hard time getting my eyelids back up! Today I finally have my mid-week day off back (I know, what am I complaining about, I get weekends off don't I? :), and not only am I sleepy, but, boy, am I irritable.
To add to all this, I've started thinking about going against my own no-POASing until after the blood work on 15dpo/iui (16dptrigger), provided AF doesn't visit by then. You see, I made the mistake of checking out FF's chart gallery, and I saw several charts where the woman got a negative around 10dptrigger when the HCG was supposed to still be in her system. Which got me thinking, well, I could poas Monday am before work. But I have this fear of a false positive from the HCG trigger shot, at least until that naughty little voice inside me says, but it could be right... Gahhh!!!
I know. I need to take a deep breath and relax. ::sigh:: Maybe I'll do some yoga. Or clean. Or pay bills. Or take a nap. ;)
Before all that, I will pray for peace and patience and trust in God's plan for me. After all, I have no control over what may or may not be going on in my uterus, so why get all worked up over it? I can't see where this path is leading, so I shall walk by faith in the one who knows where I'm going.
Now I just have to remember to do this for the next seven days. ;)
09 August 2009
Tomorrow is the Biggest of the Big Days (so far)
Tomorrow at noon is our IUI. And I cannot believe it is here already! The 18 days of this cycle have simply flown by, and tomorrow is almost here. Wow.
So, what has brought us to this point? Well, I finally got my period 7/23, and I started my 100mg of Clomid on CD5 (7/27) and took that for 5 days. I went in for the first monitering appt Monday 8/3, and the RE found four follicles (two on each side) measuring an average of 12 mm. I went back for the next monitering appt on Thurs 8/6, and the 4 follicles were an average of 15 mm. In addition, my uterus lining was at a 9. All very good things (according to the RE) So, today I got my trigger shot (HCG) at 0930, courtesy of my neighbor who has experience with IM fertility shots. At 1600 I got my first positive OPK, thanks to the HCG shot that mimics LH in my body. I knew it should be a +, but I was worried (for no good reason) that maybe it just wouldn't work. I was wrong. WooHoo!!
So, tomorrow we're headed up to the RE's office with Ben's sample, then we get to diddle around for about 2.5 hrs until we go back for the procedure. Then I bring him home and head to work. Thank God I won't be seeing patients, I don't know if I could handle the stress of that tomorrow.
I'm trying not to think of too much right now, and when I get going I have to stop to pray for peace and patience. So much of life is so very humbling, in the sense that I have no control over much of this process, and no say in the eventual outcome. I simply have to put my faith and trust in God and wait upon His perfect timing. And chew my fingernails off. And pray some more. And spend some mind-numbing time surfing the internet. ;)
So, the festivities start with the sun tomorrow. I'm hoping and praying it is the start of the next wonderful phase of my life. In the meantime, I'm appreciating what I already have, the miracles we've been blessed with, and the fact that my husband is making dinner tonight. ;)
So, what has brought us to this point? Well, I finally got my period 7/23, and I started my 100mg of Clomid on CD5 (7/27) and took that for 5 days. I went in for the first monitering appt Monday 8/3, and the RE found four follicles (two on each side) measuring an average of 12 mm. I went back for the next monitering appt on Thurs 8/6, and the 4 follicles were an average of 15 mm. In addition, my uterus lining was at a 9. All very good things (according to the RE) So, today I got my trigger shot (HCG) at 0930, courtesy of my neighbor who has experience with IM fertility shots. At 1600 I got my first positive OPK, thanks to the HCG shot that mimics LH in my body. I knew it should be a +, but I was worried (for no good reason) that maybe it just wouldn't work. I was wrong. WooHoo!!
So, tomorrow we're headed up to the RE's office with Ben's sample, then we get to diddle around for about 2.5 hrs until we go back for the procedure. Then I bring him home and head to work. Thank God I won't be seeing patients, I don't know if I could handle the stress of that tomorrow.
I'm trying not to think of too much right now, and when I get going I have to stop to pray for peace and patience. So much of life is so very humbling, in the sense that I have no control over much of this process, and no say in the eventual outcome. I simply have to put my faith and trust in God and wait upon His perfect timing. And chew my fingernails off. And pray some more. And spend some mind-numbing time surfing the internet. ;)
So, the festivities start with the sun tomorrow. I'm hoping and praying it is the start of the next wonderful phase of my life. In the meantime, I'm appreciating what I already have, the miracles we've been blessed with, and the fact that my husband is making dinner tonight. ;)
17 July 2009
Still Waiting...
I know it's been nearly a month since the last post, so I'll update with the good and bad news so far.
Good news is that the husband and I had our first appointment with the RE on Tues., July 7th. That went so much better than I feared it would. The doctor has no intention of waiting around; he wants to get me started with Clomid as soon as possible to get me ovulating again. He discussed my history with us, and decided to do an ultrasound right then, which was definitly unexpected. He didn't find polycystic ovaries (which is what he was looking for), and he said that my uterus looked pretty normal to him. He gave me a script for Provera for 7 days (finished that this past Tues.) and said to start the 100mg Clomid on CD5. He would also be scheduling the next u/s and a hysterosalpingography (HSG) when I got my period. The plan is to moniter my ovaries, and if/when any follicle(s) start to develop to give me a trigger shot when it/they are ready, and then to do an interuterine insemination (IUI). This is all so much faster than I expected him to move, and the doctor explained that he used to do meds only for six months and then move to AI, but he didn't see any reason to wait. Neither do we, and I am so glad (and so nervous) about this plan. So, he also ordered some bloodwork, which mostly came back ok. He tested my fasting glucose, insulin level (fasting), Prolactin, LH, Testosterone (% free and total), and my TSH (thryoid). All of those came back within normal limits (wnl) except for my TSH which was about 6.38. That value is doubled since my blood work last October which means that my throid isn't working well. So, I'm now on 75mcg of levothyroxine and will be doing more bloodwork in a few weeks to see if the med is helping. I'm hoping this isn't a long-term deficiency, and I'm glad the doctor caught it.
Bad news is that I'm on CD75 with my last dose of Provera Tues night, roughly 36 hrs ago. I was really hoping to have started my period by now since I can't start the Clomid until CD5, and I'll take it for 5 days. I know the doctor is going to need to moniter me pretty closely once I start the meds, and things could get sticky with work in mid August if AF doesn't hurry up and get here. There will be a week mid-August where I won't be able to leave work to get to the doctor's because I'll be the only nurse on. That could be a serious logistical problem since the earliest I'll get out is 4pm and the latest is 6pm. ::sigh:: but I won't be borrowing trouble before it gets here. And I'll try not to worry about things that I have no control over. And I'll continue to pray about the whole situation because I know that God is holding this all in his loving hands.
These past few weeks have been quite the rollercoaster. Anxiety over the RE appointment, elation about the outcome, happiness that my husband's brain continues to be aneurysm free, despair over all the newly pregnant women I keep finding out about, more anxiety over my cycle, fatigue, depression, more happiness. I feel as if I've run the gamut of emotion, with so many highs and lows that some days if feels as if I'm feeling everything all at once. I can only hope and pray for the peace, strength, and trust to follow God's plan for me, for my husband, for our future. I know He is good, and I know that His timing is perfect. We have a wonderful example of that in our lives right now. My stepmom, who has stage IV ovarian cancer with a poor prognosis, just found out last week that her experimental chemotherapy treatments are working. The CT scan showed some of the spots are shrinking, and her gynoncologist was able to convince the program she is in (through Johns Hopkins) to continue the aggressive treatment. We are so very, very thankful and full of praise for this glorious news. We know she is still deep in the woods, but we also know God walks beside her leading the way. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness and His love, His mercy and compassion, for His grace.
Good news is that the husband and I had our first appointment with the RE on Tues., July 7th. That went so much better than I feared it would. The doctor has no intention of waiting around; he wants to get me started with Clomid as soon as possible to get me ovulating again. He discussed my history with us, and decided to do an ultrasound right then, which was definitly unexpected. He didn't find polycystic ovaries (which is what he was looking for), and he said that my uterus looked pretty normal to him. He gave me a script for Provera for 7 days (finished that this past Tues.) and said to start the 100mg Clomid on CD5. He would also be scheduling the next u/s and a hysterosalpingography (HSG) when I got my period. The plan is to moniter my ovaries, and if/when any follicle(s) start to develop to give me a trigger shot when it/they are ready, and then to do an interuterine insemination (IUI). This is all so much faster than I expected him to move, and the doctor explained that he used to do meds only for six months and then move to AI, but he didn't see any reason to wait. Neither do we, and I am so glad (and so nervous) about this plan. So, he also ordered some bloodwork, which mostly came back ok. He tested my fasting glucose, insulin level (fasting), Prolactin, LH, Testosterone (% free and total), and my TSH (thryoid). All of those came back within normal limits (wnl) except for my TSH which was about 6.38. That value is doubled since my blood work last October which means that my throid isn't working well. So, I'm now on 75mcg of levothyroxine and will be doing more bloodwork in a few weeks to see if the med is helping. I'm hoping this isn't a long-term deficiency, and I'm glad the doctor caught it.
Bad news is that I'm on CD75 with my last dose of Provera Tues night, roughly 36 hrs ago. I was really hoping to have started my period by now since I can't start the Clomid until CD5, and I'll take it for 5 days. I know the doctor is going to need to moniter me pretty closely once I start the meds, and things could get sticky with work in mid August if AF doesn't hurry up and get here. There will be a week mid-August where I won't be able to leave work to get to the doctor's because I'll be the only nurse on. That could be a serious logistical problem since the earliest I'll get out is 4pm and the latest is 6pm. ::sigh:: but I won't be borrowing trouble before it gets here. And I'll try not to worry about things that I have no control over. And I'll continue to pray about the whole situation because I know that God is holding this all in his loving hands.
These past few weeks have been quite the rollercoaster. Anxiety over the RE appointment, elation about the outcome, happiness that my husband's brain continues to be aneurysm free, despair over all the newly pregnant women I keep finding out about, more anxiety over my cycle, fatigue, depression, more happiness. I feel as if I've run the gamut of emotion, with so many highs and lows that some days if feels as if I'm feeling everything all at once. I can only hope and pray for the peace, strength, and trust to follow God's plan for me, for my husband, for our future. I know He is good, and I know that His timing is perfect. We have a wonderful example of that in our lives right now. My stepmom, who has stage IV ovarian cancer with a poor prognosis, just found out last week that her experimental chemotherapy treatments are working. The CT scan showed some of the spots are shrinking, and her gynoncologist was able to convince the program she is in (through Johns Hopkins) to continue the aggressive treatment. We are so very, very thankful and full of praise for this glorious news. We know she is still deep in the woods, but we also know God walks beside her leading the way. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness and His love, His mercy and compassion, for His grace.
23 June 2009
Why?
Why did my temperature have to dive today? Why can't I just freakin' ovulate? If I can't ovulate, why can't I just get my period and get this cycle over with? Why am I on the verge of tears as I sit here typing this?
I'm going to work on channeling patience, peace, and a good mood. And I'm going to clean the house with some very loud music, and maybe do some retail therapy this afternoon. ::sigh:: And I'm going to finally call the RE/OBGYN whose office is my first choice to go to. And Ben will be giving his sample for the SA today, so we'll have those results in the next few days.
This is not the road I wanted to go down. Looks like I don't have any choice.
I'm going to work on channeling patience, peace, and a good mood. And I'm going to clean the house with some very loud music, and maybe do some retail therapy this afternoon. ::sigh:: And I'm going to finally call the RE/OBGYN whose office is my first choice to go to. And Ben will be giving his sample for the SA today, so we'll have those results in the next few days.
This is not the road I wanted to go down. Looks like I don't have any choice.
22 June 2009
Frustration, Inspiration, and a Fortune Cookie
Frustration has become my constant companion these last few weeks. The week before last I was in a rotten mood. I was supposedly toward the end of my 2 week wait, getting negative HPTs, faint lines on OPKs, and buckets of fertile mucus. Oh, and spotting on top of that. Needless to say, I was not happy. But after indulging in pity parties and wallowing in my bad mood, hope and peace began to work their way back into me.
It began with my husband coming home on my worst day, and handing me a fortune paper from the cookie he had munched on his way up the stairs. He didn't know how rotten and down I had been feeling when he gave me a hug and some hope. The scrap of paper read: "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." I almost lost it and bawled right then and there. Ben just gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. What a blessing he is, and how wonderful it is that he somehow manages to do or say just the right thing without even knowing. Thank you, Lord, for this man.
Then came Sunday, and church, and the choir anthem for the service entitled, "Hymn of Quietness" by Natalie Sleeth. The lyrics are as follows:
In the bulb, there is a flower; In the seed, and apple tree; In cocoons, a hidden promise; butterflies will soon be free! In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be, unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody; There's a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me. From the past will come the future; What it holds, a mystery, unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity. In our doubt, there is believing; in our life, eternity. In our death, a resurrection; at the last a victory, unrevealed until its season; something God alone can see; unrevealed until its season, something yet unknown, which God alone can see.
This song made me cry every time I sang it. With everything that is going on in my life, my stepmom and grandmother's battles with cancer, my husband and I's current infertility, my sister and SIL's pregnancies, life in general...well, this song really hits home. Hard. It speaks of hope for the future, and trust in God's plan. These are things that I am in definite need of these days, and I have found my reminder in this song. Now I have to find the patience to wait for the dawn in my personal darkness, and to appreciate the little lights of family and friends that glow around me.
It began with my husband coming home on my worst day, and handing me a fortune paper from the cookie he had munched on his way up the stairs. He didn't know how rotten and down I had been feeling when he gave me a hug and some hope. The scrap of paper read: "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." I almost lost it and bawled right then and there. Ben just gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me. What a blessing he is, and how wonderful it is that he somehow manages to do or say just the right thing without even knowing. Thank you, Lord, for this man.
Then came Sunday, and church, and the choir anthem for the service entitled, "Hymn of Quietness" by Natalie Sleeth. The lyrics are as follows:
In the bulb, there is a flower; In the seed, and apple tree; In cocoons, a hidden promise; butterflies will soon be free! In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be, unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody; There's a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me. From the past will come the future; What it holds, a mystery, unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity. In our doubt, there is believing; in our life, eternity. In our death, a resurrection; at the last a victory, unrevealed until its season; something God alone can see; unrevealed until its season, something yet unknown, which God alone can see.
This song made me cry every time I sang it. With everything that is going on in my life, my stepmom and grandmother's battles with cancer, my husband and I's current infertility, my sister and SIL's pregnancies, life in general...well, this song really hits home. Hard. It speaks of hope for the future, and trust in God's plan. These are things that I am in definite need of these days, and I have found my reminder in this song. Now I have to find the patience to wait for the dawn in my personal darkness, and to appreciate the little lights of family and friends that glow around me.
05 June 2009
Gaining Perspective
I haven't really been in a great mood this past week. Between my body trying to fake me out earlier this cycle, the nonsense with my mom, and then various idiot patients at work...Well, let's just say I haven't been all that Joyfull. I'm working on that, though.
It's hard to stay postitive when it seems like nothing is going the way it "should." After all, my grandmother and stepmother shouldn't be battling cancer, my sister shouldn't have miscarried a few months ago, and my husband and I should have conceived by now! It's very difficult some days to accept that I don't have control much of my life, and what control I do have could very well be fleeting.
While I was at work on Weds. having a mini-meltdown, I found a really great prayer on beliefnet.com. I was reeling from the news that a 41 yr old former cocaine addict with chronic pain issues who is on state assistance is pregnant after 2 months of trying (her boyfriend is a 30 yr old recently paroled felon who is also on state aid), and nearly in tears because I just don't understand the unfairness of infertility. Then I read this prayer:
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.It's hard to stay postitive when it seems like nothing is going the way it "should." After all, my grandmother and stepmother shouldn't be battling cancer, my sister shouldn't have miscarried a few months ago, and my husband and I should have conceived by now! It's very difficult some days to accept that I don't have control much of my life, and what control I do have could very well be fleeting.
While I was at work on Weds. having a mini-meltdown, I found a really great prayer on beliefnet.com. I was reeling from the news that a 41 yr old former cocaine addict with chronic pain issues who is on state assistance is pregnant after 2 months of trying (her boyfriend is a 30 yr old recently paroled felon who is also on state aid), and nearly in tears because I just don't understand the unfairness of infertility. Then I read this prayer:
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
(Source: Hannah's Prayer Ministries)
This prayer really spoke to me. I have been letting this desire for a child come between me and God. I've been letting it come between me and many things at various times. Which is a long way of saying I've become obsessed. So now I need to step back and seek God's will for my life. I don't believe this means I need to stop being proactive about conceiving (i.e. timing sex, charting my bbt, going forward with fertility testing if needed), but I think I need to stop allowing my mind to revolve around it. I need to stop resenting every young girl pregnant with an accident. I need to stop being downright angry when someone tells me to just relax and I'll get pregnant. And I know that these things will only happen with God, because I surely do not have the strength by myself.
And here is a second prayer that also speaks to me tonight:
And here is a second prayer that also speaks to me tonight:
Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.
(Source: Hannah's Prayer Ministries)
Thank you God for prayer, for the perspective you give us, for having us bring all our troubles to you. I give my burdens to you Lord, and pray for the strength to let them lay at your feet.
For you who are reading this post, I pray that God blesses you, that he lifts from you any burdens you may have, and that you never forget that he holds us all in his hands.
Good Night.
(Source: Hannah's Prayer Ministries)
Thank you God for prayer, for the perspective you give us, for having us bring all our troubles to you. I give my burdens to you Lord, and pray for the strength to let them lay at your feet.
For you who are reading this post, I pray that God blesses you, that he lifts from you any burdens you may have, and that you never forget that he holds us all in his hands.
Good Night.
24 May 2009
(I'm apologizing in advance because this post is rather scattered and very long. I'm sad and aggravated enough to not be forming my thoughts clearly.)
Tonight my DH decided to read over my shoulder while I was doing my last little bit of Bumping before bedtime. Since he was watching the screen, (in fact as I type he's reading over my shoulder) I start explaining the different boards, i.e. This is GP, BOTB, and here's 1st Tri.
I tell him that 1st Tri usually makes me want to pull my hair out when I lurk there b/c it seems like every other post is a r/p of one of six or eight different questions and it drives me crazy that people can't look back a couple of pages or at the top of the board at the commonly asked questions for pete's sake...(but I digress)
So, I'm explaining this stuff to him and I say "Why do I keep coming back to this board?" which was, of course, a rhetorical question, but then my DH says "Probably the same reason you keep calling your mother." At which point I start laughing, and say "I guess I can't help myself" (laughing more) "omg, I have to post about this now." But when I started writing about all this stuff, it got so long and sounded more like a blog post, so here it is, me asking myself why I call my mother when I know it isn't going to turn out right.
Long story shortish, my mom and I don't have that great a relationship. She divorced my dad when I was about 18 months old, took me to a different state and then I didn't see my dad for a few years. From approx. age 2-3 until age 8 (when I moved in with my dad), we lived in about 7 different houses and 5 different school districts with several different boyfriends and 1 2nd husband (he lasted about 6 months). Then my mother disappears for 3 years, I think I talked to her maybe twice a year from age 8 to age 11 when she reappeared with my newborn brother. Fast forward to a few months before my wedding when she tells me she isn't coming, she can't afford it (nevermind my grandma would pay for her travel and new clothes), and did I want her to get fired from her job just to come to my wedding? So, fast forward again to Feb. 2008 when my husband almost dies. I don't call my mom b/c I don't want to deal with her, yet she calls the ICU unit a few days after the injury to talk. The conversation was mostly good, but then when she finds out I'm okaying the tracheostomy and PEG tube placement, she is horrified and don't I know he'll never come off those and would he want to live like that. (This is the same miracle man who was breathing on his own and eating mere weeks after this phone conversation) I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mom and I don't really see eye to eye, and our interactions usually involve me biting my tongue and her rewriting our family history to please/martyr herself.
So, today she calls out of the blue while I'm at church. I call her back this evening, she's obviously intoxicated, and she proceeds to tell me:
1: Grandma is dying (doing chemo for stage III primary peritoneal cancer) and the next time she sees me will be at Grandma's funeral.
2: if DH and I don't conceive after 1 year we should adopt, and having a surrogate mother is greedy b/c there's so many kids in need of a home.
3: she must have done something wrong as a mother b/c we haven't conceived yet and I was supposed to be skinny and tall (I'm 5'5.5" and far from skinny).
4: She was sleeping with a couple other guys besides my dad when she got pg with me (and was on a starvation diet), and my dad nagged her into marrying him, and she's still not sure to this day who my biological father is b/c one of the other guys is a redhead.
On my end of the phone: **crickets chirping** "What was that, Mom?"
Needless to say, I was not exactly happy with my mom's newest revelation, and our phone call ended shortly thereafter. I then felt the need to find reassurance in the many pics I have of myself and my dad, and reminded myself that I have his weird toes, his earlobes, and that my sister and I share a funky mole in the exact same spot on our wrists. Thanks Mom. (NOT)
I then complained to my husband "Why do I call her? I know it's going to end badly, why do I do it?" DH: "I don't know, but you keep calling her." And he's right (darn him), I guess I can't help myself.
My epiphany for the day: I lurk in the 1st Tri boards b/c it's there and I call my mom b/c she's my mom. I know I'm not a "good" daughter to her, but she's not really a "good" mom to me and I love her anyways, if only because I should.
I guess I'm always going to feel guilty for loving my step-mom and for calling her when I'm in need of mom stuff. I will have to come to terms with knowing that I will mourn the loss of my step-mom more deeply than when my mother dies, even though I will be sad and feel her void in my life. And I will have to accept that my step-mom will be more of a grandma to my future children than my mother, even if the ovarian cancer wins and my stepmom doesn't meet my children here on earth. Part of me feels like a traitor, guilty, and yet the other part of me feels like God knew my mom would be like this and He sent my stepmom to complete our family.
After typing all this out and then re-reading it, well, I'm still confused, irritated, and feeling a little guilty but I'm a little more at peace with how I feel about my mother. Now to decide if I share this newest gem with my dad...
Well, that's a headache for another day. Right now all I'm sure about is I'm not going to make the same mistakes with my children as my mom has with me. I'll just make all new ones, hopefully with better results!
Tonight my DH decided to read over my shoulder while I was doing my last little bit of Bumping before bedtime. Since he was watching the screen, (in fact as I type he's reading over my shoulder) I start explaining the different boards, i.e. This is GP, BOTB, and here's 1st Tri.
I tell him that 1st Tri usually makes me want to pull my hair out when I lurk there b/c it seems like every other post is a r/p of one of six or eight different questions and it drives me crazy that people can't look back a couple of pages or at the top of the board at the commonly asked questions for pete's sake...(but I digress)
So, I'm explaining this stuff to him and I say "Why do I keep coming back to this board?" which was, of course, a rhetorical question, but then my DH says "Probably the same reason you keep calling your mother." At which point I start laughing, and say "I guess I can't help myself" (laughing more) "omg, I have to post about this now." But when I started writing about all this stuff, it got so long and sounded more like a blog post, so here it is, me asking myself why I call my mother when I know it isn't going to turn out right.
Long story shortish, my mom and I don't have that great a relationship. She divorced my dad when I was about 18 months old, took me to a different state and then I didn't see my dad for a few years. From approx. age 2-3 until age 8 (when I moved in with my dad), we lived in about 7 different houses and 5 different school districts with several different boyfriends and 1 2nd husband (he lasted about 6 months). Then my mother disappears for 3 years, I think I talked to her maybe twice a year from age 8 to age 11 when she reappeared with my newborn brother. Fast forward to a few months before my wedding when she tells me she isn't coming, she can't afford it (nevermind my grandma would pay for her travel and new clothes), and did I want her to get fired from her job just to come to my wedding? So, fast forward again to Feb. 2008 when my husband almost dies. I don't call my mom b/c I don't want to deal with her, yet she calls the ICU unit a few days after the injury to talk. The conversation was mostly good, but then when she finds out I'm okaying the tracheostomy and PEG tube placement, she is horrified and don't I know he'll never come off those and would he want to live like that. (This is the same miracle man who was breathing on his own and eating mere weeks after this phone conversation) I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mom and I don't really see eye to eye, and our interactions usually involve me biting my tongue and her rewriting our family history to please/martyr herself.
So, today she calls out of the blue while I'm at church. I call her back this evening, she's obviously intoxicated, and she proceeds to tell me:
1: Grandma is dying (doing chemo for stage III primary peritoneal cancer) and the next time she sees me will be at Grandma's funeral.
2: if DH and I don't conceive after 1 year we should adopt, and having a surrogate mother is greedy b/c there's so many kids in need of a home.
3: she must have done something wrong as a mother b/c we haven't conceived yet and I was supposed to be skinny and tall (I'm 5'5.5" and far from skinny).
4: She was sleeping with a couple other guys besides my dad when she got pg with me (and was on a starvation diet), and my dad nagged her into marrying him, and she's still not sure to this day who my biological father is b/c one of the other guys is a redhead.
On my end of the phone: **crickets chirping** "What was that, Mom?"
Needless to say, I was not exactly happy with my mom's newest revelation, and our phone call ended shortly thereafter. I then felt the need to find reassurance in the many pics I have of myself and my dad, and reminded myself that I have his weird toes, his earlobes, and that my sister and I share a funky mole in the exact same spot on our wrists. Thanks Mom. (NOT)
I then complained to my husband "Why do I call her? I know it's going to end badly, why do I do it?" DH: "I don't know, but you keep calling her." And he's right (darn him), I guess I can't help myself.
My epiphany for the day: I lurk in the 1st Tri boards b/c it's there and I call my mom b/c she's my mom. I know I'm not a "good" daughter to her, but she's not really a "good" mom to me and I love her anyways, if only because I should.
I guess I'm always going to feel guilty for loving my step-mom and for calling her when I'm in need of mom stuff. I will have to come to terms with knowing that I will mourn the loss of my step-mom more deeply than when my mother dies, even though I will be sad and feel her void in my life. And I will have to accept that my step-mom will be more of a grandma to my future children than my mother, even if the ovarian cancer wins and my stepmom doesn't meet my children here on earth. Part of me feels like a traitor, guilty, and yet the other part of me feels like God knew my mom would be like this and He sent my stepmom to complete our family.
After typing all this out and then re-reading it, well, I'm still confused, irritated, and feeling a little guilty but I'm a little more at peace with how I feel about my mother. Now to decide if I share this newest gem with my dad...
Well, that's a headache for another day. Right now all I'm sure about is I'm not going to make the same mistakes with my children as my mom has with me. I'll just make all new ones, hopefully with better results!
16 May 2009
The Waiting Game
I still haven't decided which is worse, waiting for AF to arrive or waiting to ovulate. Since I'm currently waiting to ovulate (or have it confirmed), this is the worst! :) On the bright side, we're currently on day 3 of a 5-6 day snuggle marathon in hopes of having great timing this month. I'm actually surprised we've managed the everyday thing so far, that is so not our usual...But we're having fun with it!
We had good news and bad news from the family this last week. Good news is that my sister is pregnant again! She had miscarried at about 6 weeks a few months ago, and so far this time is looking pretty good. Her bloodwork looks great, they saw the yolk sac and I think a heartbeat at the ultrasound, and even though she's spotted a little bit things are looking pretty good. We are so thankful. I've got a good feeling about this pregnancy for her, and I hope and pray I'm right.
Bad news is that my husband's uncle is going to have to have surgery again. He is having problems with the blood vessels around his heart, and will have to go in for a fourth surgery soon. My husband's maternal family has a long and serious cardiac history, his mother had her first of several strokes at age 30, and several heart attacks thereafter. Needless to say, I am praying for him and his family in this difficult time.
So, life these days is just a bunch of waiting. Waiting to conceive, waiting for the chemo to work, waiting for good news, waiting for our new niece/nephew, waiting for the weekend, waiting and waiting and waiting some more... Sometimes it is hard to remember to stop waiting and start doing.
So, my newest To Do list:
1. Be thankful for what I have when I have it.
2. Find at least one thing to be joyful about every day, no matter what is going wrong.
3. Tell the people I love how much I care for them at every opportunity.
4. Practice patience and remember that no matter how in control I think I am, God is in control and things happen in his perfect time.
5. Pray about everything, everywhere, and all the time.
6. When the going gets tough, and the tough is(are) dragging serious butt, see #s 1 - 4. Repeat as necessary.
We had good news and bad news from the family this last week. Good news is that my sister is pregnant again! She had miscarried at about 6 weeks a few months ago, and so far this time is looking pretty good. Her bloodwork looks great, they saw the yolk sac and I think a heartbeat at the ultrasound, and even though she's spotted a little bit things are looking pretty good. We are so thankful. I've got a good feeling about this pregnancy for her, and I hope and pray I'm right.
Bad news is that my husband's uncle is going to have to have surgery again. He is having problems with the blood vessels around his heart, and will have to go in for a fourth surgery soon. My husband's maternal family has a long and serious cardiac history, his mother had her first of several strokes at age 30, and several heart attacks thereafter. Needless to say, I am praying for him and his family in this difficult time.
So, life these days is just a bunch of waiting. Waiting to conceive, waiting for the chemo to work, waiting for good news, waiting for our new niece/nephew, waiting for the weekend, waiting and waiting and waiting some more... Sometimes it is hard to remember to stop waiting and start doing.
So, my newest To Do list:
1. Be thankful for what I have when I have it.
2. Find at least one thing to be joyful about every day, no matter what is going wrong.
3. Tell the people I love how much I care for them at every opportunity.
4. Practice patience and remember that no matter how in control I think I am, God is in control and things happen in his perfect time.
5. Pray about everything, everywhere, and all the time.
6. When the going gets tough, and the tough is(are) dragging serious butt, see #s 1 - 4. Repeat as necessary.
05 May 2009
Goodbye Prettyish Chart, Hello Cycle #6
I had such hopes for this last cycle. ::sigh:: It has been my first "normal" cycle in oh, let's see, about 14 months. And by normal, I mean no mid-cycle bleeding/spotting, decent EWCM, no large amounts of dizziness mid cycle, and my "normal" pattern of menstruation at the beginning. (I'm comparing to my "normal" pre-BCP cycles, not during the pill/depo shots) The cross hairs were a great bonus, even if they were dotted. ;)
However, even with as excited as I was about last cycle, I think a part of me knew that this wasn't "it" for Ben and I. And surprisingly, I think I'm ok with that. If I'm really honest with myself, I'm more sad about not being able to make my stepmom a grandmom for Mother's Day and her birthday, and not being able to tell my grandmother really good news. Ever since the confirmation of "O" day, I've been praying for a BFP, but I've also been praying that if it's not this month, I still have faith that we'll be blessed. I also told God that I wouldn't promise to not to be disappointed, but I imagine he already knew that.
I think that my appt. with my clinican (I've always gone to Planned Parenthood for gyn things) really took a weight off my shoulders. To have her confirm that my cycles were not normal, and that Ben and I shouldn't wait a year if we were really concerned about it...Well that's really all I needed to hear. She agreed that with Ben's injury, our ages, and my crazy cycles (i.e. amenorrhea from Feb '08-Dec '08, off BCP in Aug '08) did merit some concern; she agreed that my PCP wasn't right to blow me off and tell us not worry about it for a year, at least. (which still makes my blood boil- she didn't even listen to my concerns!)
So, now I sit here with day two of awful, gut wrenching cramps and heavy bleeding (sorry if this is TMI), and I'm ok with it. I'm planning ahead to probable "O" time, which should work out for prime and sub-prime snuggling with our schedules (maybe one day of not-gonna-happen time, but that's ok). I'm hoping and praying as before that this month will be our month, that this month we'll be able to give everyone some great news, and that this month we'll have one more thing for my stepmom and grandmom to give them strength in their battles with cancer.
Just in case it isn't, I'm making phone calls to my insurance company about our coverage, a call to Ben's PCP about ordering a SA, and an informational call to a fertility clinic. I'm trying to be prepared...Just in case.
But as I know all too well, and what I give praise for and shout for glory about...Miracles do happen. So, please God, let this be our month.
And for all the bumpies/GPers who are reading this...Please God, you know what is lying heavily on their hearts, what weighs down their spirits, what they are crying out to you for...Lord, please help them in their time of need. And Lord? Thank you.
However, even with as excited as I was about last cycle, I think a part of me knew that this wasn't "it" for Ben and I. And surprisingly, I think I'm ok with that. If I'm really honest with myself, I'm more sad about not being able to make my stepmom a grandmom for Mother's Day and her birthday, and not being able to tell my grandmother really good news. Ever since the confirmation of "O" day, I've been praying for a BFP, but I've also been praying that if it's not this month, I still have faith that we'll be blessed. I also told God that I wouldn't promise to not to be disappointed, but I imagine he already knew that.
I think that my appt. with my clinican (I've always gone to Planned Parenthood for gyn things) really took a weight off my shoulders. To have her confirm that my cycles were not normal, and that Ben and I shouldn't wait a year if we were really concerned about it...Well that's really all I needed to hear. She agreed that with Ben's injury, our ages, and my crazy cycles (i.e. amenorrhea from Feb '08-Dec '08, off BCP in Aug '08) did merit some concern; she agreed that my PCP wasn't right to blow me off and tell us not worry about it for a year, at least. (which still makes my blood boil- she didn't even listen to my concerns!)
So, now I sit here with day two of awful, gut wrenching cramps and heavy bleeding (sorry if this is TMI), and I'm ok with it. I'm planning ahead to probable "O" time, which should work out for prime and sub-prime snuggling with our schedules (maybe one day of not-gonna-happen time, but that's ok). I'm hoping and praying as before that this month will be our month, that this month we'll be able to give everyone some great news, and that this month we'll have one more thing for my stepmom and grandmom to give them strength in their battles with cancer.
Just in case it isn't, I'm making phone calls to my insurance company about our coverage, a call to Ben's PCP about ordering a SA, and an informational call to a fertility clinic. I'm trying to be prepared...Just in case.
But as I know all too well, and what I give praise for and shout for glory about...Miracles do happen. So, please God, let this be our month.
And for all the bumpies/GPers who are reading this...Please God, you know what is lying heavily on their hearts, what weighs down their spirits, what they are crying out to you for...Lord, please help them in their time of need. And Lord? Thank you.
01 May 2009
Our Story (and it's a long one!)
I'm Joy, a 29 year old LPN, and my husband Ben is a 30 year old computer tech for a school system. We were married in Nov. 2006, and we've been actively trying to conceive since Dec. 2008. There's a lot more to our story than those few sentences, so I'll start at the beginning with how we met.
Our story starts in the fall of 2002 when a good friend of mine, Amy, and Ben's sister, Chrissy, met while they were both studying abroad in England. They became friends over the semester, no doubt with much alcohol involved, and decided one night that Ben and I should meet because we'd be perfect for each other. Little did they know, they were right!
So, after traveling to visit Chrissy in the summer of '03, and meeting Ben herself, Amy nagged me for about 6 months (so did her mom) before I finally gave in and emailed Ben on Jan 9 2004. Ben emailed me back 2 days later, and we graduated to emailing every day, and then IMing for hours. We had so much to talk about, and so much in common. It was hard to believe that we were about 600 miles apart, and yet felt so close.
Our first phone call was on Valentine's Day that year, and we talked so long that his cell phone battery died! From that day on, I had this feeling in the bottom of my stomach that this guy, whom I'd never seen, was the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.
We met in person for the first time in May '04, with his parents, sister, and my friend watching us. Awkward! But we had a great time that weekend, and I was so sad when I left to drive home. After that, we traded visits back and forth, and by Christmas, we had decided I would move myself and my cat to live with him. It was a hard decision to make, but I knew deep down it was the right one, and I have never regretted it.
So, we moved in together April '05, and I started LPN school shortly after that. We were engaged in Jan. '06, and married in Nov. after I graduated and took my LPN boards. We then started looking for a house, and moved into our lovely 1924 colonial in April '07. Things went smoothly for several months, and we had finally started to agree on having a baby sooner rather than later when our world was turned upside down.
On Feb. 9th, 2008, we found out the hard way that Ben had a brain aneurysm. And by the hard way, I mean that he collapsed in our bedroom, as in his eyes rolled back and he fell over backwards like a felled tree. Ben had a short seizure, and then lay very still, not breathing and turning a very plum shade of purple. Needless to say, I was scared out of my mind, literally. My thoughts were racing around in my head like a trapped mouse, and all I could scream was "Oh please God" and "Don't you dare Benjamin Wayne, Don't you dare" (my husband's name).
But something (or someone if you believe like I do) took over and I started CPR and then called 911. When the EMTs got there (thankfully in a short time) he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating, but they brought him back before loading him on the ambulance. And I had to make the worst call ever, I had to tell his parents what had happened and to meet me at the hospital.
So off we went, Ben in the back and me in another ambulance in my pjs, winter coat, and boots. (Looking back, it's a pretty funny mental picture) I know I was in shock, and it was pretty hard waiting in the waiting room for Ben's parents. The second thing we did when the ILs got to the ER was to pray. My MIL led us, and I learned that night what a Rock of Strength she is.
Thank you God for my MIL's strenth and for my FIL's cool head.
I remember quite a bit from that night, but what most sticks in my head was singing to my husband while he was in a coma in the ER (the 2nd ER, he was transferred to a big city hospital shortly after arriving at the 1st ER). I sang him two songs over and over, Amazing Grace and Grow Old Along with Me, which was our wedding song. Ben had all the odds against him, but he was, and is, a miracle. He made it through the night, and the next day the doctors started on their plans for surgery.
He was on a ventilator for a little over a week, had a tracheostomy and gastrotomy (Percutaneous EndoGastric Tube or PEG)done to help him breathe and eat. After about 2 weeks he started to wake up, and one of the first voluntary movements he made was to pucker his lips up to give me a kiss. I was so happy I thought my heart was going to burst.
Ben continued to improve, and was moved to a brain rehab center on March 6th, less than a month after his incident. That was on a Thursday, and they had him standing the following Monday. Ben took his first post-aneurysm steps that Wednesday, and from that point on, there was no stopping his recovery.
The rehab center he was at encouraged me and his parents to become part of his recovery, and in fact they allowed me to share a room with Ben. They gave us a private room with a private bathroom/shower, and I was there 24/7 for my husband. Ben's parents were there every day for his therapies (Physical, Occupational, and Speech for a total of 3 hrs/day), and to keep us company on the weekends.
I won't lie to you, there were days when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. But God kept me strong and blessed us with the miracle of Ben's recovery. If it wasn't for my ILs, I don't know what I would have done. They kept me together, and gave me time to get away from the situation without worrying about Ben while I was gone.
Ben came home Apr. 11, 2008, just over 2 months after his injury, and promptly went into outpatient therapy. He progressed wonderfully, and was back driving and to work by mid-June (part time). He's continued to get better from there, and aside from a hiccup with his gallbladder and some minor memory and tremor problems Ben has returned to normal.
Have I mentioned my husband is a miracle?
So, fast forward to the present. I have a new job that I love (working in a primary care office), Ben is back to work full time, and he passed the critical 1 year post-aneurysm mark with (almost) flying colors. We are so happy, even with the day to day things that are tedious and annoying, because we appreciate life more than ever before. Now we are hoping and praying for just one more blessing- a little one to call our own.
If you made it through that huge chunk of wordage without falling asleep, I thank you! And I hope you found our story at least a little bit interesting. Our story is truly a witness to the power of prayer, and proof that miracles happen. Thank you again for reading it, and God Bless You!
Our story starts in the fall of 2002 when a good friend of mine, Amy, and Ben's sister, Chrissy, met while they were both studying abroad in England. They became friends over the semester, no doubt with much alcohol involved, and decided one night that Ben and I should meet because we'd be perfect for each other. Little did they know, they were right!
So, after traveling to visit Chrissy in the summer of '03, and meeting Ben herself, Amy nagged me for about 6 months (so did her mom) before I finally gave in and emailed Ben on Jan 9 2004. Ben emailed me back 2 days later, and we graduated to emailing every day, and then IMing for hours. We had so much to talk about, and so much in common. It was hard to believe that we were about 600 miles apart, and yet felt so close.
Our first phone call was on Valentine's Day that year, and we talked so long that his cell phone battery died! From that day on, I had this feeling in the bottom of my stomach that this guy, whom I'd never seen, was the one I'd been waiting my whole life for.
We met in person for the first time in May '04, with his parents, sister, and my friend watching us. Awkward! But we had a great time that weekend, and I was so sad when I left to drive home. After that, we traded visits back and forth, and by Christmas, we had decided I would move myself and my cat to live with him. It was a hard decision to make, but I knew deep down it was the right one, and I have never regretted it.
So, we moved in together April '05, and I started LPN school shortly after that. We were engaged in Jan. '06, and married in Nov. after I graduated and took my LPN boards. We then started looking for a house, and moved into our lovely 1924 colonial in April '07. Things went smoothly for several months, and we had finally started to agree on having a baby sooner rather than later when our world was turned upside down.
On Feb. 9th, 2008, we found out the hard way that Ben had a brain aneurysm. And by the hard way, I mean that he collapsed in our bedroom, as in his eyes rolled back and he fell over backwards like a felled tree. Ben had a short seizure, and then lay very still, not breathing and turning a very plum shade of purple. Needless to say, I was scared out of my mind, literally. My thoughts were racing around in my head like a trapped mouse, and all I could scream was "Oh please God" and "Don't you dare Benjamin Wayne, Don't you dare" (my husband's name).
But something (or someone if you believe like I do) took over and I started CPR and then called 911. When the EMTs got there (thankfully in a short time) he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating, but they brought him back before loading him on the ambulance. And I had to make the worst call ever, I had to tell his parents what had happened and to meet me at the hospital.
So off we went, Ben in the back and me in another ambulance in my pjs, winter coat, and boots. (Looking back, it's a pretty funny mental picture) I know I was in shock, and it was pretty hard waiting in the waiting room for Ben's parents. The second thing we did when the ILs got to the ER was to pray. My MIL led us, and I learned that night what a Rock of Strength she is.
Thank you God for my MIL's strenth and for my FIL's cool head.
I remember quite a bit from that night, but what most sticks in my head was singing to my husband while he was in a coma in the ER (the 2nd ER, he was transferred to a big city hospital shortly after arriving at the 1st ER). I sang him two songs over and over, Amazing Grace and Grow Old Along with Me, which was our wedding song. Ben had all the odds against him, but he was, and is, a miracle. He made it through the night, and the next day the doctors started on their plans for surgery.
He was on a ventilator for a little over a week, had a tracheostomy and gastrotomy (Percutaneous EndoGastric Tube or PEG)done to help him breathe and eat. After about 2 weeks he started to wake up, and one of the first voluntary movements he made was to pucker his lips up to give me a kiss. I was so happy I thought my heart was going to burst.
Ben continued to improve, and was moved to a brain rehab center on March 6th, less than a month after his incident. That was on a Thursday, and they had him standing the following Monday. Ben took his first post-aneurysm steps that Wednesday, and from that point on, there was no stopping his recovery.
The rehab center he was at encouraged me and his parents to become part of his recovery, and in fact they allowed me to share a room with Ben. They gave us a private room with a private bathroom/shower, and I was there 24/7 for my husband. Ben's parents were there every day for his therapies (Physical, Occupational, and Speech for a total of 3 hrs/day), and to keep us company on the weekends.
I won't lie to you, there were days when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. But God kept me strong and blessed us with the miracle of Ben's recovery. If it wasn't for my ILs, I don't know what I would have done. They kept me together, and gave me time to get away from the situation without worrying about Ben while I was gone.
Ben came home Apr. 11, 2008, just over 2 months after his injury, and promptly went into outpatient therapy. He progressed wonderfully, and was back driving and to work by mid-June (part time). He's continued to get better from there, and aside from a hiccup with his gallbladder and some minor memory and tremor problems Ben has returned to normal.
Have I mentioned my husband is a miracle?
So, fast forward to the present. I have a new job that I love (working in a primary care office), Ben is back to work full time, and he passed the critical 1 year post-aneurysm mark with (almost) flying colors. We are so happy, even with the day to day things that are tedious and annoying, because we appreciate life more than ever before. Now we are hoping and praying for just one more blessing- a little one to call our own.
If you made it through that huge chunk of wordage without falling asleep, I thank you! And I hope you found our story at least a little bit interesting. Our story is truly a witness to the power of prayer, and proof that miracles happen. Thank you again for reading it, and God Bless You!
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