Goodbye Prettyish Chart, Hello Cycle #6

I had such hopes for this last cycle. ::sigh:: It has been my first "normal" cycle in oh, let's see, about 14 months. And by normal, I mean no mid-cycle bleeding/spotting, decent EWCM, no large amounts of dizziness mid cycle, and my "normal" pattern of menstruation at the beginning. (I'm comparing to my "normal" pre-BCP cycles, not during the pill/depo shots) The cross hairs were a great bonus, even if they were dotted. ;)

However, even with as excited as I was about last cycle, I think a part of me knew that this wasn't "it" for Ben and I. And surprisingly, I think I'm ok with that. If I'm really honest with myself, I'm more sad about not being able to make my stepmom a grandmom for Mother's Day and her birthday, and not being able to tell my grandmother really good news. Ever since the confirmation of "O" day, I've been praying for a BFP, but I've also been praying that if it's not this month, I still have faith that we'll be blessed. I also told God that I wouldn't promise to not to be disappointed, but I imagine he already knew that.

I think that my appt. with my clinican (I've always gone to Planned Parenthood for gyn things) really took a weight off my shoulders. To have her confirm that my cycles were not normal, and that Ben and I shouldn't wait a year if we were really concerned about it...Well that's really all I needed to hear. She agreed that with Ben's injury, our ages, and my crazy cycles (i.e. amenorrhea from Feb '08-Dec '08, off BCP in Aug '08) did merit some concern; she agreed that my PCP wasn't right to blow me off and tell us not worry about it for a year, at least. (which still makes my blood boil- she didn't even listen to my concerns!)

So, now I sit here with day two of awful, gut wrenching cramps and heavy bleeding (sorry if this is TMI), and I'm ok with it. I'm planning ahead to probable "O" time, which should work out for prime and sub-prime snuggling with our schedules (maybe one day of not-gonna-happen time, but that's ok). I'm hoping and praying as before that this month will be our month, that this month we'll be able to give everyone some great news, and that this month we'll have one more thing for my stepmom and grandmom to give them strength in their battles with cancer.

Just in case it isn't, I'm making phone calls to my insurance company about our coverage, a call to Ben's PCP about ordering a SA, and an informational call to a fertility clinic. I'm trying to be prepared...Just in case.

But as I know all too well, and what I give praise for and shout for glory about...Miracles do happen. So, please God, let this be our month.

And for all the bumpies/GPers who are reading this...Please God, you know what is lying heavily on their hearts, what weighs down their spirits, what they are crying out to you for...Lord, please help them in their time of need. And Lord? Thank you.