It is a cute little bush, with flowers whose petals are just starting to turn white, and it will draw plenty of bees and butterflies to its tiny blossoms. It sits in the front flower bed, where people passing by can see it, and it will say goodbye and hello to us whenever we leave and return to the house.I have been trying to decide for months on what sort of bush to plant. What color flowers would best represent our angel. What sort of plant would warm my heart with the same joy that our angel did and does. That is a tall order for a lowly plant, and so I continued to debate over what to buy. Even at the greenhouse today, I couldn't decide. I drug my long-suffering husband up and down rows of plants, admiring or disliking, debating the merits of full sun versus partial, and potential height. For some reason I kept coming back to this snowball bush.
My grandmother (my dad's mom) had a snowball bush in her yard, a massive thing that sat near the giant oak tree that my cousins and I would play in. She loved that bush, and I loved all the time that I spent at her house. So snowball bushes remind me of my grandmother, and of her love and her caring heart. And when I think of our angel, I get this sense of a daughter, even though it was far too early to know. And I see this daughter in the arms of my grandmother, my grandmother whose girl child was lost before she was born, my grandmother who loved me like I had come from her own womb. I see this image in my head, and despite the tears, I am at peace. And filled with joy at the sight of our new snowball bush and all that it stands for.
So today is the 1st of May, 2010. Precisely 7 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days ago our angel left us for heaven. I was 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Today, as I mourn what was supposed to be, as I thank God for the short time we had with our angel, I know that I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our second miracle. As I sit here writing this, and crying, I know that I am now several hours farther along with this pregnancy than I was before. I sit here and I give thanks for what was and what is, and I pray with a scared and yet joyful heart for what I hope will be.
If I believed in coincidences, I would wonder about this timing. But I don't. I know that this is God's perfect plan working itself out, and I thank Him for the wonder of it. I thank Him for the pain and the tears, for the joy and the laughter. I thank Him for the awesomeness of His miracles, and that I have been blessed with so many of them, big and small. I thank Him for my husband and his second chance at life, I thank Him for our angel whom we'll meet on the other side of eternity, and I thank Him for this newest life growing within me. Lord, I pray that you will continue to bless us, and if it is your will, that this child will stay with us. I know you keep your promises, and it is that to which I cling.
Psalm 30 has so much to say about God's mercy when we are at our lowest. My favorite line is the second half of verse 5:
...Weeping may remain for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. (NIV)
Thank you for reading, and may God bless you all and keep you in the palm of His hand.
