Thoughts for the Journey

(I'm apologizing in advance because this post is rather scattered and very long. I'm sad and aggravated enough to not be forming my thoughts clearly.)

Tonight my DH decided to read over my shoulder while I was doing my last little bit of Bumping before bedtime. Since he was watching the screen, (in fact as I type he's reading over my shoulder) I start explaining the different boards, i.e. This is GP, BOTB, and here's 1st Tri.

I tell him that 1st Tri usually makes me want to pull my hair out when I lurk there b/c it seems like every other post is a r/p of one of six or eight different questions and it drives me crazy that people can't look back a couple of pages or at the top of the board at the commonly asked questions for pete's sake...(but I digress)

So, I'm explaining this stuff to him and I say "Why do I keep coming back to this board?" which was, of course, a rhetorical question, but then my DH says "Probably the same reason you keep calling your mother." At which point I start laughing, and say "I guess I can't help myself" (laughing more) "omg, I have to post about this now." But when I started writing about all this stuff, it got so long and sounded more like a blog post, so here it is, me asking myself why I call my mother when I know it isn't going to turn out right.

Long story shortish, my mom and I don't have that great a relationship. She divorced my dad when I was about 18 months old, took me to a different state and then I didn't see my dad for a few years. From approx. age 2-3 until age 8 (when I moved in with my dad), we lived in about 7 different houses and 5 different school districts with several different boyfriends and 1 2nd husband (he lasted about 6 months). Then my mother disappears for 3 years, I think I talked to her maybe twice a year from age 8 to age 11 when she reappeared with my newborn brother. Fast forward to a few months before my wedding when she tells me she isn't coming, she can't afford it (nevermind my grandma would pay for her travel and new clothes), and did I want her to get fired from her job just to come to my wedding? So, fast forward again to Feb. 2008 when my husband almost dies. I don't call my mom b/c I don't want to deal with her, yet she calls the ICU unit a few days after the injury to talk. The conversation was mostly good, but then when she finds out I'm okaying the tracheostomy and PEG tube placement, she is horrified and don't I know he'll never come off those and would he want to live like that. (This is the same miracle man who was breathing on his own and eating mere weeks after this phone conversation) I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mom and I don't really see eye to eye, and our interactions usually involve me biting my tongue and her rewriting our family history to please/martyr herself.

So, today she calls out of the blue while I'm at church. I call her back this evening, she's obviously intoxicated, and she proceeds to tell me:
1: Grandma is dying (doing chemo for stage III primary peritoneal cancer) and the next time she sees me will be at Grandma's funeral.
2: if DH and I don't conceive after 1 year we should adopt, and having a surrogate mother is greedy b/c there's so many kids in need of a home.
3: she must have done something wrong as a mother b/c we haven't conceived yet and I was supposed to be skinny and tall (I'm 5'5.5" and far from skinny).
4: She was sleeping with a couple other guys besides my dad when she got pg with me (and was on a starvation diet), and my dad nagged her into marrying him, and she's still not sure to this day who my biological father is b/c one of the other guys is a redhead.

On my end of the phone: **crickets chirping** "What was that, Mom?"

Needless to say, I was not exactly happy with my mom's newest revelation, and our phone call ended shortly thereafter. I then felt the need to find reassurance in the many pics I have of myself and my dad, and reminded myself that I have his weird toes, his earlobes, and that my sister and I share a funky mole in the exact same spot on our wrists. Thanks Mom. (NOT)

I then complained to my husband "Why do I call her? I know it's going to end badly, why do I do it?" DH: "I don't know, but you keep calling her." And he's right (darn him), I guess I can't help myself.

My epiphany for the day: I lurk in the 1st Tri boards b/c it's there and I call my mom b/c she's my mom. I know I'm not a "good" daughter to her, but she's not really a "good" mom to me and I love her anyways, if only because I should.

I guess I'm always going to feel guilty for loving my step-mom and for calling her when I'm in need of mom stuff. I will have to come to terms with knowing that I will mourn the loss of my step-mom more deeply than when my mother dies, even though I will be sad and feel her void in my life. And I will have to accept that my step-mom will be more of a grandma to my future children than my mother, even if the ovarian cancer wins and my stepmom doesn't meet my children here on earth. Part of me feels like a traitor, guilty, and yet the other part of me feels like God knew my mom would be like this and He sent my stepmom to complete our family.

After typing all this out and then re-reading it, well, I'm still confused, irritated, and feeling a little guilty but I'm a little more at peace with how I feel about my mother. Now to decide if I share this newest gem with my dad...

Well, that's a headache for another day. Right now all I'm sure about is I'm not going to make the same mistakes with my children as my mom has with me. I'll just make all new ones, hopefully with better results!